I was a late bloomer, even by my generation’s standards, I didn’t have sex until I was 18. Not that I was trying to become a monk, I just couldn’t convince a girl to sleep with me until then. First time was a mess. I had a girlfriend but did I also mention I had waited until I was 18 to drink alcohol? I had no idea 8 beers would have that effect on my old fella. I was literally poking around in the dark. It was her graduation night. We were both very drunk. “It” didn’t work. Not for me. Not for her. We tried again a few days later and made a mutual decision that this time would indeed be counted as our first and that I would, no matter how far I might travel, publish a story about this in a national women’s magazine. That girl was strangely good at predicting the future.
No one told me booze was going to “deflate” the situation faster than a naked picture of Edgar Savisaar. How was I supposed to know?
They tried to give us something resembling sex education at school but I remember it being one class of only boys where we tried to show off how much we knew, which consisted of not much more than what could be shown at 17:30 each day on “Home and Away”. We didn’t even get the condom on the cucumber routine. That’s a classic! We were shown a video about birth control myths which contained the line “But I’ll pull it out before I come”. I found it so hilarious I remember it vividly to this day, so in that respect, the video worked. I didn’t even know what a 69 was. I had to have it explained to me by a girl pointing her two index fingers up in the air, turning one upside and then bringing them together. These are the wise lessons of the world I had learnt by the time I left high school.
Top points if you know where this image comes from! The hint is “home and away”. I grew up in a time before the internet, when all we had were crappy VHS and just the existance of a sex tap was enough of a scandal, because without the internet, there were not many chances to actually see it.
My first girlfriend was also not a fan of blowjobs and even less of a fan of swallowing. I didn’t know much as an 18 year old but I knew any new place to ejaculate was an amazing gift from the gods and one day, she surprised me by saying she would like to impart this wonderful, wonderful gift to me. I laid back and there was little doubt to me that heaven was a place on earth that day. The sun shone, church bells rang, birds sang out. After I had reached my point of maximum pleasure I was giddy with euphoria and in a beautiful loving moment, she leaned up to kiss me. However, being a strong woman who believed that lessons must be learnt, she had not swallowed my “gift” but instead as we kissed she squirted a small part back to me, as a way to show me how unpleasant it really was. Well ladies let me tell you that in that instant you have never seen someone leap across the room with such speed, it was like a standing long jump and I could have easily passed over any Olympic record in my way. I lept forward, washed my mouth out and never before as a fall from grace been so fast or so salty. Lessons may be good or lessons may be bad, but they all come from a woman.
WTF is this in my mouth??! Must get to the siiiiiiiiiink!!
Boys need girls to tell them what is right in this world. We are left without anyone to teach us the ways of the world, but masculinity demands we are able to know all and be the masters of our bodies and with some luck, yours. Who are our role models? A sportsman? A movie star? The president? (I’m starting a new trend, its called “The Ilves” and it involves coming to bed with nothing but a bow tie on. I am sure our great leader would be a fan of anything which encourages making more Estonians). Are you worried young guys these days are getting all their sexual ideas from porn? That’s because no one else is teaching us. So be kind to your boyfriend, maybe drop him a few hints here and there and if he doesn’t get the message then maybe… and I hate to say it… he be prepared to deliver a more “memorable” lesson.
He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland