Several months ago I had a weird dream. I was on some movie set and for the scene some guy was kneeing in front of me and I had to.. well… put my dick in his mouth. Ok stay with here ok, I’ve got a point (pun intended). I was about to do it and then I was like “no no I can’t do this” and everyone said “you have to do it, this is the movie and there are lights and crew and everyone’s counting on you” so reluctantly flopped it in. I must admit, I wasn’t really enjoying the experience and it was about this time I woke up feeling pretty weird. My only consolation was that I didn’t wake up with a boner and in the dream, my penis was bigger than in real life, so it’s nice to know my subconscious isn’t completely against me.
In my dream I am casually walking around an IKEA and then this!
I am at a loss to understand what this dream means. That I would be gay if only I had more people to cheer me on? That I shouldn’t eat salami before bed? Coincidentally, that weekend was also the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in Sydney, so maybe I was subtly supporting my friends back home. Like we say in Sydney, it’s not gay if you do it once a year when drunk at 3am in the toilet stall of a nightclub called “The Tool Shed”.
If you are ever in Sydney, I recommend a visit
When I was at university I had a flatmate who came out to us but he had always guarded his computer really closely. One day we were drinking in his room and I found his laptop open and feeling like I’d just got access to the top secret wikileaks files, I started going through the folders. At this point he looked at me and said “you know what you will find in there?”. And he was right, I found some good old fashioned, no chit chat, just belt buckles hitting the floor, guy on guy porno. As we sat there together going through his previously locked away stash, it occurred to me that guys are essentially all the same, we are all just looking for a nice warm, tight place to stick our dingdongs. If you think I’m weird for looking at gay porn, consider the male ability to suspend reality as we watch regular porn which is pretty much 50% dick. Girl on girl scenes are not quite the same, we need a schlong there so we can believe that could be us. Don’t even get me started on the male fascination with anal sex. One trip to a prison will make you realize that the male imagination can make us believe anything. Especially if he’s wearing a blonde wig.
How an average guy sees porn in his mind
All this got me thinking though, I doubt any of you ladies found these stories particularly sexy. Have you ever thought to yourself “oh I wish my boyfriend would make out with his best mate, I’d Snapchat that to everyone!”? It seems that beyond our gay brothers, no one wants to hear about guys making out. However if my name was Louise, this was “Rullnokk Monthly” (such a magazine exists right?) and I wrote about having a dream with another girl I would be given front page and then as many extra pages as I need to fully describe the incident in as colorful detail as I could.
“Rullnokk Monthly” is definitely something they would be reading on “Pärnu Shore” (click here to head to Eric’s classic articles)
I wondered if I was a bit homophobic for feeling weird about my pseudo gay dream. I think (god, I hope) that it’s not so much about how you think, it’s about how you act. I did feel weird about it but I didn’t then go out and yell at a gay guy. I imagine he would be pretty confused if I did. I think it also goes for those around us too. If someone, especially your boyfriend, says some homophobic stuff, don’t let it slide, say something about it. We gotta make it known this stuff isn’t cool and you are about the only one who stands any chance of getting through to your guy. No matter where we live, there is still a long way to go to making society as cool as it can be. So be open. Be cool and don’t take any crap from anyone. Imagine, one day we will live in a world so open that guys can write in national magazines about the gay dreams they just had. I can’t wait for that day!
He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland