Cosmo August 2014 – Bastille and other shitty music aimed at young women


I am going to tell you something which none of you ladies will agree with. Wanna hear it? Ok here goes. I hated the Bastille concert at Õllesummer. There I said it, I know you are not happy (Incidentally, I found out “Õllesummer” roughly translates into English as “place of underage drinking”). They are the biggest bunch of manufactured fancy boys I have seen on stage who are nothing more than Bieber for older girls. There were legions of women all jumping up and down in unison, with their guys next to them giving just a half hearted skip. The only reason they are there is the hope that she gets excited enough from seeing these guys on the stage that they will get some kind of reflective sexual attraction later. Ha, how pathetic are we guys? Can you imagine standing with your guy at the Liis Lemsalu concert and you are hoping to get some sweet action when you get home because he is all pumped up from seeing Estonia’s #1 pop princess. If I go to her concert, I’m a dirty perv who for some reason hasn’t discovered Google Image Search but if you go to a concert with cute boys its all about the totez amazeballs music they play and you are allowed to scream so loud it would get though the sound proofing in Josepf Fritzel’s basement.


To post this article I already had to look at their dumb smug faces way more than I wanted to

My only relief during the show was to tweet sarcastic comments but I couldn’t even do that because the mobile phone system in Estonia breaks when more than 5 people gather in the one place. If Louis is annoyed at a Bastille concert and no one hears his tweets, does he really get annoyed? The answer is “exponentially”. My rage finally reached its highest point as the woman in front of me started to Shazaam the currently playing song. Take a moment to consider this. It made me wonder how many times she had been sitting at home alone with her phone humming something she heard on the radio that day, reinstalling the app 20 times because it was clearly faulty because “I totally hummed that song so well”. I think Bastille would be big in Russia because KGB agents now have something new to torture people with.


“No Mr Bond…. I expect you to…. listen to Bastille….” “nooooo hook the battery back up to my testicles, that way better than this shiiiiiiit”

I’ll never understand boy bands. Yes, they are hipsters but come on, they are still a boy band. I want my rock and roll stars to be ugly, hairy and be the sort of person under any other circumstances you would cross the street to avoid. I guess the Beatles got similar screaming, crazy responses from women back in the 60’s but they managed to do it with bad haircuts, so respect to them. Maybe I am more jealous of the liberty society gives women here. When you see Bastille or even meet them, you are allowed to let go, act nuts and for a few moments channel your inner 12 year old. It’s fine, it’s cute of you. If I go and meet Miss Lemsalu, I guarantee it’s not socially acceptable for me to act like a 12 year old boy, unless I first make sure I am sitting down, with a jacket covering my lap. When I had my one, triumphant, obviously Oscar worthy scene in Kättemaksukontor, I had a few young boys trying to chat to me on Facebook after. It was weird, all I could reply was “Dude, I am think I’m not the actor you really want to speak to” and going through my mind was “How am I going to explain this to the judge??”


No Michael Cena that is never going to happen, stop making dippy movies giving boys hope this might happen

Could it be that boy bands exist because in reality guys are nothing more than 12 year old boys with the farting and snoring volume turned up and for one moment these Romeos on stage present the idea of a man who is sensitive, can express himself and may possibly even know how to use deodorant properly? It got me thinking though, if nothing else, Bastille proved to me that you can sell a product of questionable quality as long you put a leader up there with half a personality and a decent hair cut. But wait… on second thought… maybe Bastille are not so bad after all.

Categorized as cosmo

By Louis Zezeran

Louis Zezeran is an Australian Stand Up comedian and comedy promoter based in Tallinn, Estonia. He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland

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