Cosmo August 2014 – Bastille and other shitty music aimed at young women

aug2014

I am going to tell you something which none of you ladies will agree with. Wanna hear it? Ok here goes. I hated the Bastille concert at Õllesummer. There I said it, I know you are not happy (Incidentally, I found out “Õllesummer” roughly translates into English as “place of underage drinking”). They are the biggest bunch of manufactured fancy boys I have seen on stage who are nothing more than Bieber for older girls. There were legions of women all jumping up and down in unison, with their guys next to them giving just a half hearted skip. The only reason they are there is the hope that she gets excited enough from seeing these guys on the stage that they will get some kind of reflective sexual attraction later. Ha, how pathetic are we guys? Can you imagine standing with your guy at the Liis Lemsalu concert and you are hoping to get some sweet action when you get home because he is all pumped up from seeing Estonia’s #1 pop princess. If I go to her concert, I’m a dirty perv who for some reason hasn’t discovered Google Image Search but if you go to a concert with cute boys its all about the totez amazeballs music they play and you are allowed to scream so loud it would get though the sound proofing in Josepf Fritzel’s basement.

bastilleei

To post this article I already had to look at their dumb smug faces way more than I wanted to

My only relief during the show was to tweet sarcastic comments but I couldn’t even do that because the mobile phone system in Estonia breaks when more than 5 people gather in the one place. If Louis is annoyed at a Bastille concert and no one hears his tweets, does he really get annoyed? The answer is “exponentially”. My rage finally reached its highest point as the woman in front of me started to Shazaam the currently playing song. Take a moment to consider this. It made me wonder how many times she had been sitting at home alone with her phone humming something she heard on the radio that day, reinstalling the app 20 times because it was clearly faulty because “I totally hummed that song so well”. I think Bastille would be big in Russia because KGB agents now have something new to torture people with.

latest

“No Mr Bond…. I expect you to…. listen to Bastille….” “nooooo hook the battery back up to my testicles, that way better than this shiiiiiiit”

I’ll never understand boy bands. Yes, they are hipsters but come on, they are still a boy band. I want my rock and roll stars to be ugly, hairy and be the sort of person under any other circumstances you would cross the street to avoid. I guess the Beatles got similar screaming, crazy responses from women back in the 60’s but they managed to do it with bad haircuts, so respect to them. Maybe I am more jealous of the liberty society gives women here. When you see Bastille or even meet them, you are allowed to let go, act nuts and for a few moments channel your inner 12 year old. It’s fine, it’s cute of you. If I go and meet Miss Lemsalu, I guarantee it’s not socially acceptable for me to act like a 12 year old boy, unless I first make sure I am sitting down, with a jacket covering my lap. When I had my one, triumphant, obviously Oscar worthy scene in Kättemaksukontor, I had a few young boys trying to chat to me on Facebook after. It was weird, all I could reply was “Dude, I am think I’m not the actor you really want to speak to” and going through my mind was “How am I going to explain this to the judge??”

weird-boner

No Michael Cena that is never going to happen, stop making dippy movies giving boys hope this might happen

Could it be that boy bands exist because in reality guys are nothing more than 12 year old boys with the farting and snoring volume turned up and for one moment these Romeos on stage present the idea of a man who is sensitive, can express himself and may possibly even know how to use deodorant properly? It got me thinking though, if nothing else, Bastille proved to me that you can sell a product of questionable quality as long you put a leader up there with half a personality and a decent hair cut. But wait… on second thought… maybe Bastille are not so bad after all.

Cosmo July 2014 – Sexual Education

july2014

I was a late bloomer, even by my generation’s standards, I didn’t have sex until I was 18. Not that I was trying to become a monk, I just couldn’t convince a girl to sleep with me until then. First time was a mess. I had a girlfriend but did I also mention I had waited until I was 18 to drink alcohol? I had no idea 8 beers would have that effect on my old fella. I was literally poking around in the dark. It was her graduation night. We were both very drunk. “It” didn’t work. Not for me. Not for her. We tried again a few days later and made a mutual decision that this time would indeed be counted as our first and that I would, no matter how far I might travel, publish a story about this in a national women’s magazine. That girl was strangely good at predicting the future.

4077d2820dfb349597c4834ef4f77205f0abc2c51510d089147b3fa75f4caf6d

No one told me booze was going to “deflate” the situation faster than a naked picture of Edgar Savisaar. How was I supposed to know?

They tried to give us something resembling sex education at school but I remember it being one class of only boys where we tried to show off how much we knew, which consisted of not much more than what could be shown at 17:30 each day on “Home and Away”. We didn’t even get the condom on the cucumber routine. That’s a classic! We were shown a video about birth control myths which contained the line “But I’ll pull it out before I come”. I found it so hilarious I remember it vividly to this day, so in that respect, the video worked. I didn’t even know what a 69 was. I had to have it explained to me by a girl pointing her two index fingers up in the air, turning one upside and then bringing them together. These are the wise lessons of the world I had learnt by the time I left high school.

4739f95e16c941051f13a5cb9bf4a64e.4

Top points if you know where this image comes from! The hint is “home and away”. I grew up in a time before the internet, when all we had were crappy VHS and just the existance of a sex tap was enough of a scandal, because without the internet, there were not many chances to actually see it.

My first girlfriend was also not a fan of blowjobs and even less of a fan of swallowing. I didn’t know much as an 18 year old but I knew any new place to ejaculate was an amazing gift from the gods and one day, she surprised me by saying she would like to impart this wonderful, wonderful gift to me. I laid back and there was little doubt to me that heaven was a place on earth that day. The sun shone, church bells rang, birds sang out. After I had reached my point of maximum pleasure I was giddy with euphoria and in a beautiful loving moment, she leaned up to kiss me. However, being a strong woman who believed that lessons must be learnt, she had not swallowed my “gift” but instead as we kissed she squirted a small part back to me, as a way to show me how unpleasant it really was. Well ladies let me tell you that in that instant you have never seen someone leap across the room with such speed, it was like a standing long jump and I could have easily passed over any Olympic record in my way. I lept forward, washed my mouth out and never before as a fall from grace been so fast or so salty. Lessons may be good or lessons may be bad, but they all come from a woman.

That’s-One-Long-Jump

WTF is this in my mouth??! Must get to the siiiiiiiiiink!!

Boys need girls to tell them what is right in this world. We are left without anyone to teach us the ways of the world, but masculinity demands we are able to know all and be the masters of our bodies and with some luck, yours. Who are our role models? A sportsman? A movie star? The president? (I’m starting a new trend, its called “The Ilves” and it involves coming to bed with nothing but a bow tie on. I am sure our great leader would be a fan of anything which encourages making more Estonians). Are you worried young guys these days are getting all their sexual ideas from porn? That’s because no one else is teaching us. So be kind to your boyfriend, maybe drop him a few hints here and there and if he doesn’t get the message then maybe… and I hate to say it… he be prepared to deliver a more “memorable” lesson.