When my friend told me she had just got a “tinder surprise” from a guy I wondered where the chocolate egg was. I was pretty mixed about Tinder at the start. First I was like “yay Grindr for prudish straight people” but then I thought to myself “wait, are we sure this isn’t making things too easy for guys?” What my gender needs is tough love (not the rubber mask kind). I don’t think guys have it THAT hard in Estonia. If he sees you in a bar, can still stand correctly, doesn’t smell like a taxi driver and has his shirt on the right way, the girl will probably give him the time of day. So I’m skeptical about anything which makes it TOO easy for guys. Doggie has to do some work to get the treat.
I realise I just compared sex to this doggie treat, still you gotta give a dog a bone right?
My friends kept insisting Tinder is a thing in Estonia. In this small place? Feels like a statistical probability that after not long you will come across your cousin. (on a side note, I once dated a girl only to have it dawn on me after the third date she looked eerily like my second cousin, there were some frantic calls to mum to verify she was not). I was told people even use Tinder in Tartu, although my friend did admit it was just mainly guys she knew who already had girlfriends (so really it was like any other club night there). I am forever amazed when I hear that two friends hooked up after living in Tartu for a few years. How did you not meet in the first weekend there? Oh god, how will you ever get over that long distance, Supilinn to Annelinn relationship? With this app it’s 2 am and I am walking past Zavood and my phone buzzes and tells me to go in and talk to a girl. Wow, my phone is only telling me what my balls should have already.
This is real life Tindr, 3am at Zavood. Picture is blurred to accurately show the reality that you are pretty wasted at this hour. Wow, go and meet the love of your life and if you are not related, its just a bonus
Despite my skepticism I thought I’d investigate for purely academic purposes. It would be a little inappropriate for me to make an account so I did what any of you would do in the same situation, I made a fake account with my best friends name. A few clicks later “Stewart Johnson” had joined Tinder and I was in.
Obviously the first photo is really crucial. Straight up I saw a bunch of full on cleavage shots which only turned me into a sassy black woman “oh honey, put those things away, have some respect!”. Also would a smile kill you? All you have to do is not look like your cat died that morning and have a photo taken anywhere else but the dance floor of Shooters and I think natural chemistry takes over. By this stage I was getting super fascinated by it. Had I found the future of dating? Sit back, flick across until you find Prince Charming and then like the hell out of him. Then it dawned on me, IT’S BETTER FOR WOMEN. This small male brain for a moment grasps the greater reality of the universe that there is indeed life beyond his own penis. I can see now why you women like it, he only finds out if you like him as well. Remembering who’s account I was using, I didn’t actually click “like” on any of them, I mean I wouldn’t want to give Stewart a bad reputation would I?
Alas Stew is taken and this is only a dream for most women
The difficulty, as is most things in Estonia, is that we just don’t have enough people to make it really cool. The app showed me about 150 women in my search radius and 7 of them were my friends. I called one of them who immediately jumped on the app and matched with a guy who’s opening line was “so do we have coffee before or after we have sex?”. Not only do you need to make a match, then you need to find a guy who isn’t living out some Robert Downey Jnr roleplay fantasy.
If you need to use Tinder, you are not
Tinder can be a brutal, judgmental form of online dating but so is the club after midnight and at least you can do this on the couch in your jammies. Oh and if you do see Stewart on Tinder, give him a like! He may never know but it’s the thought that counts right?
He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland