Cosmo November 2013 – “The” First Time

February 13, 2014



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Apparently loads of you want to know what guys think about the first time having sex. I’m not talking about your FIRST time, thats a strange, confusing, awkward and messy experience, nor am I talking about some random one night stand. I’m talking about that guy you had a lovely first impression with and that guy who took you on a first date and you liked him so much you though “oh i really want to go to bed with him but I dont want him to think I’m easy”. Wait, you genuinely did want to wait? Oh too confusing, lets move on.

 AFTER-exing-You-The-FIRST-Time

After a while everything falls into line, you like him, he seems to like you (seems so..), you had a good time on that last date and given just the right amount of white wine next time you are pretty sure your dress will fall off faster than Anu Saagim’s when a tabloid photographer is around. Women may be worried about all sorts of things: will he like my boobs? (hint: yup). will his “downstairs” be kept tidy or look like some amazon rainforest? should I bust out my twerking movies upon entering the bedroom? Will he remember to take off his socks when we do it? (note: clearly I have no idea about what women think about)

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Ernie and Bert explore their Amazon together

What guys are thinking about is so typically male you will slap yourself. We are thinking about… ourselves. Surprise of all surprises! It basically comes down to: will I be able to rock her world and be her big amazing jungle man. Do you get what I mean? Will I be good enough in bed? Will I make her reach the “Big O”? Will she get off the train at “Grand Central Orgasm”? Afterwards, will she consider me Tarzan to her Jane, Mr Big to her Carrie, Toomas to her Evelin. For the love of god we just want to please you. We have a fear of being an inadequate sexual partner because our monkey brains associate sexual prowess with pretty much being king of the universe and everything in it. That’s why guys don’t compare penis size, if I have a bigger penis then it is the highest high, like winning the sausage lottery. The other guy could drive a Ferrari but I’ll still be satisfied knowing that I’m hung like that horse prancing on his car’s logo. However…. if he has the bigger penis then its the ultimate shame, the lowest low, time for some of that Japanese ritual suicide where one dies by ones’ own sword (pun intended). In the end, it’s just not worth the risk, so we keep our eyes front and center at the urinal.

 322333t81h240fGentlemen, it’s your job to be THIS manly

We desperately want to do is satisfy you so you will consider us a good mate, it is a super primitive part of us. I know you were doing all the right sexy things and showing how much you liked it but if you really want to make him happy, tell him he did a good job. Simple as that. Who says for men it is all about the physical? You really want to ensure he makes you breakfast in bed the next morning? Tell him he has a “nice” penis. No need to go crazy, you don’t need to say “huge” or “amazing” or “larger than a dwarf’s arm holding an apple” (i mean… if you like…). Simply complimenting “it” will get the same reaction you have when someone compliments your new pair of shoes. He will go stand in front of the mirror and admire his “pride” while feeling good about himself. All before he brings you those eggs in the morning.

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SHE SAID I HAD A NICE PENIS! YEEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!

Does it sound like these are very basic primate actions from us? Yup! However it’s harder to have a more basic and instinctual action than making love to the women you care for. Just relax, he is going to like your body and he is going to like you. But did you really hold off having sex until the third date just because you felt like it? Who would give you such weird advice?

Louis Zezeran

Louis Zezeran

Louis Zezeran is an Australian Stand Up comedian and comedy promoter based in Tallinn, Estonia.

He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland
Louis Zezeran

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