Guys try to act cool about the past. We want to be as slick as Tom Cruise in Top Gun and open and caring about your feelings as all those Tumblr GIFs make Ryan Gosling out to be. However in reality we are absolutely nothing of the sort. If at any stage the talk turns to your sexual history there is only one thing you can do. You must lie. Lie like you have never lied before. Lie like you are Bill Clinton when asked if he had slept with Monica. Lie like you are a British guy at 3am the club telling a Estonian girl that you surely will visit her in Tallinn again soon. Like you are a stand up comedian telling the audience “so this hilarious thing happened to me just yesterday”… If you have to say something, tell him you had sex with Mr Ex (it is a “he” right? may god have mercy on his fragile soul if it is not) only a few times through a hole in the sheet, you didn’t like it much and that he definitely had a small penis. Emphasize this fact.
Let me make this very clear ladies. Under no circumstances can an ex boyfriend have a bigger penis than us. We are the mighty swordsman and nothing can be allowed to crack that image. Keep on lying. We know you are lying but that’s ok, the male brain has a whole part devoted to the filtering of obvious lies about our sexual prowess which it then passes onto the rest of the brain as absolute truth. If our brains are Fox News, then there is a little Bill O’Reilly in there, twisting and turning the truth until it is acceptable by the rather simplistic audience which lays within.
What should you tell your boyfriend about your sexual history? How good of a fiction writer are you? Our girlfriends sexual history is like a big lotto wheel in our heads and each little ball is one little “story” you have once accidentally told us. These lucky numbers can come out at any moment “and today’s supplementary number is…. she once slept with a black guy!” Guess how nervous your bf will be next time you want to go to reggae night at the club. Not that there is anything wrong with sleeping with a black guy, but lets just say from then on when ever we “make you dinner” the dish always feels like a serving of viinerid friikartulitega, if you know what I mean.
No one wants to be a weiner, not even this guy
Or how about finding out that a few years ago while drunk in Prague her and her best friend had a threesome with a dude they met in the hostel. Oh that’s a fun trip down memory lane! So darling tell me, when is your best friend coming over for dinner again? No no, I’ll buy the wine that night, it would be my pleasure. Literally. Oh that was just a crazy phase and you are far more mature and over that now?. Oh yes, I certainly am glad I met you now my dear. Heaven forbid if I find out where the dude was from. For 6 months after this I refused to eat pasta after finding out it an was Italian. At the time I hoped she hadn’t dated too many more guys or my eating choices will become sorely limited.
I fucked your girlfriend buddy!
Now I get the double standard here. We guys have our own sexual history, we have had girlfriends and partners and done god knows what other unspeakable acts that are certainly only legal in Germany. However, remembering our sexual past and then having the shock of realising that your past is probably not so different, is so great… that we regress into a state of thinking of you as our special little girls who left a lifetime in a convent and marched straight into Shooters whereby you downed 10 shots in a row and then we met on the dancefloor. Just don’t underestimate the male brains ability for self delusion ok? Oh and when is your best friend coming over for dinner again? I’ll buy the drinks
He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland