Cosmo July 2013 – After The First Date

Article number three for Estonian Cosmopolitan magazine, July 2013 and this time it is about what to do after the first date…

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After 2 months of writing this column I have determined that there are exactly zero men who read this. I needed the time to get the “bro maffia” off my tail, because if any guy found out about this month’s advice I would be out of the “Bro Club” and off the “Bro Christmas card list”. Ladies…. don’t sleep with him on the first date. AH I can’t believe I am writing this! He is going to tell you he just wants to come back and cuddle but really its something else he wants you to lovingly put your hands on. Save it for the second date, MAXIMUM third. If after the third date you are still making him wait then I think you need to drastically reassess the pool of applicants that are available to you honey. If on the third date you can still stand his bad dress sense, stupid profile picture and impressive lack of emotions which make Dr Spock look like a drama queen, you are on a winner.

Spock-from-Zachary-Quinto-zachary-quinto-8880436-1680-1050

The logical course of action is to not sleep with him on the first date. Advice from Captain Kirk may differ.

So you went on the first date and you didn’t sleep with him! Good on you for keeping your knickers on darling! You had a lovely time: dinner, movie, a few drinks. He only stared at your boobs when he thought you were not looking and only tried to get you to come home with him 2 or 3 times. An all around perfect evening. You wake the next day with a warm glow and an extra spring in your step. You don’t want to get too far ahead of yourself (there will be plenty of time to pick baby names later) but you have a good feeling about this one. You look down at your phone. No sms from him. Oh well, I am sure he is sleeping late and has a busy day. Check Facebook. No messages. Not even a poke. Oh that’s cool, we are taking it easy, he is a pretty relaxed guy. Or at least that’s what I think considering he barely smiled during the evening. Lunchtime: no contact. Mid-afternoon: no contact. Late-mid-afternoon: still no contact. OH NO, THE DATE WAS A DISASTER!!

He-Says-He-Me-Why-Hasnt-He-CalledKate spent the whole afternoon sitting there, staring “why the fuck do I still have this old Nokia and not an iPhone? I bet me is trying to Facetime me right now”. Little did Kate know, Henry had another kind of “Facetime” on his mind…

Relax honey, he will contact you and it’s a bonus if he does it sober. If you are worried, start some light Facebook conversation. But talk to him. No pokes, no passive aggressive “like” of “Photo 181 of 190” in his Facebook album. Just speak normally to him. Just as girls have endless advice given to them on how relationships should be (however mine is the ONLY advice you should listen to), guys have been told they need to wait to reply and play a little hard to get. Right now he is probably looking through a men’s magazine feeling bad he doesn’t have 6 pack abs and a Aston Martin when instead all he has a 6 pack of beer and a buddy called Martin. Yup, now media has made us feel bad about ourselves too, so it’s equal ladies. I do agree the guy should be the guy but this isn’t a Mexican stand-off at 20 paces to see who texts first. Prove you are a kick ass chick of the year 2013 and just talk to him.

darryn-lyons-image-2-744411117-924812Oh this one is a keeper

However at this stage ladies, it’s all about decisiveness. These days everyone is “hanging out” and if you are not sure about him, you just hang out some more and think maybe something could grow… but what happens is rarely a wacky, charming, offbeat tale like a Zac Braff movie and instead it ends up as something Alfred Hitchcock would have written. I think next time you meet a guy who generally fits your basic womanly needs, you need to decide yes or no. If it is a “no” then it’s off. I don’t care if he is super good looking, buy a magazine if you want to look at a model. No hanging around, no endless online chats and definitely no hooking up randomly at 3am at Shooters. The problem is indecisiveness. “Maybe” pretty much always means no. If you don’t feel it for the guy after the first date, move on. Don’t drag it out because you know it will turn into torture which would make Guantanamo Bay look like a pleasure resort.

ku-mediumAt the end of the day, at least Ahmed still had his good looks

If you are not feeling the chemistry with him, instead enjoy the chemistry of a vodka martini. It will give you more enduring satisfaction and anyway, that bar tender is kind of cute. Oh and ladies if you are feeling the chemistry go for it. Just don’t update your Facebook status to “in a relationship” just yet. Wait until the second date for that one.

Cosmo June 2013 – First Dates

Now 2 months has passed I can put up my second Estonian Cosmopolitan article, this time about first dates!

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Louis Zezeran on… First Dates

First dates are hard. It’s like the first impression was a slick sales pitch and now you have to actually come though with the goods. Most of the time I feel like a used car salesman. Sure, what I am selling looked ok in the car yard, a foreign brand with a good reputation. However, now she has taken it for a test drive and it’s belching gas out the back and needs a good amount of alcohol in the tank to run properly. How can I keep this going long enough to impress her with my meager achievements so that when my faults come to the surface they won’t seem so bad? Does such an amount of time exist in the universe? What if she sees right through me? “So by ‘love to cook’ you mean you are great at boiling the water for kiirnuudlid and by ‘I donate to the Kasside Turvakodu’ you mean ‘I once saw a cat picture on the Internet’”. In the first date game of “Battleship” you just sunk my aircraft carrier.

-1Me on an average first date. Note by now I am crying under the mask

How about the time I sat through 4 hours of Shakespeare not understanding a word of it because I had a public school education? Or another time after a meal and some cuddling I walked the girl home and smoothly suggested I could come up for a coffee when she replied “oh you can’t because my boyfriend, whom I live with, is at home”. Oh. Or when over dinner another girl said “I’ve never had a boyfriend before… only girlfriends”. To which I rather smoothly replied “so that means you have never had sex before?”. Nice work Romeo. “No idiot, I’ve had sex with women.” Then in an apparent attempt to defuse the situation she threw a bit of food at me. I guess she figured the only way to reply to my utter childishness was to reply with similar utter childishness. It worked and as I wiped away the cabbage from the side of my face, I knew I had to see this girl again.

hamletRemember how this came out in a 2 hour and a 4 hour version? I agreed to sit through the 4 hour version and I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND A FUCKING WORD. Hamlet wasn’t exactly required reading at Nelson Bay High School

Once I met a nice girl at a party at a party and we chatted all night. She was unique but I couldn’t quite pinpoint why and we agreed to meet up for lunch and a walk around the harbor. The next day I told my friend I had met this nice girl and she said “ummmm you mean the one with the Adam’s apple?” Oh. Yes. That one. The one I had driven home and given a kiss on the cheek to. Being slightly freaked out but still trying to be an open thinking guy I felt I only had one choice. Go on the date and just say “hey you are cool but I am not into you”, never mentioning “the situation” for fear I would be instantly labeled a massive homophobe and chased down the street by an angry mob. Or so stupid 21 year old brain thought. This was Sydney, home of the Gay Mardi Gras, this sort of thing was situation normal in this town, how had I not seen it? I think I went for no other reason than to convince myself that her “look” was really well done and any red blooded man would not be able to tell. It got awkward. I remember I drank a lot of coffee. Everything went fine, the food was nice (none was thrown) and as I walked her back to her ferry I felt like I had done the right thing. Yeah, waste her time on a Sunday afternoon and act super strange for several hours, good move champion. In 12 years I have not told anyone that story, so what better way to redeem my soul than to write it in a national magazine?

BECOME_A_MEMBER-725x408This is a photo of an average Monday morning as everyone goes to work in Sydney, how did I not see this coming??

The question you want to know… are guys just looking for a way to get into your pants? Kind of. But we do genuinely like you too, it’s just that you look really pretty and we have a million years of evolution pounding inside our errr… heads. Look, first dates are always going to be weird. You will be lucky if the guy a) doesn’t have a girlfriend b) won’t drag you to the new Ironman movie and c) will actually be a guy. However, if you are stuck in a tricky situation I highly recommend the throwing of food at your date. He will never see it coming and if he sticks around, you know you have a keeper.

Source: Estonian Cosmopoltian June 2013