Cosmo July 2013 – After The First Date

August 27, 2013



Article number three for Estonian Cosmopolitan magazine, July 2013 and this time it is about what to do after the first date…

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After 2 months of writing this column I have determined that there are exactly zero men who read this. I needed the time to get the “bro maffia” off my tail, because if any guy found out about this month’s advice I would be out of the “Bro Club” and off the “Bro Christmas card list”. Ladies…. don’t sleep with him on the first date. AH I can’t believe I am writing this! He is going to tell you he just wants to come back and cuddle but really its something else he wants you to lovingly put your hands on. Save it for the second date, MAXIMUM third. If after the third date you are still making him wait then I think you need to drastically reassess the pool of applicants that are available to you honey. If on the third date you can still stand his bad dress sense, stupid profile picture and impressive lack of emotions which make Dr Spock look like a drama queen, you are on a winner.

Spock-from-Zachary-Quinto-zachary-quinto-8880436-1680-1050

The logical course of action is to not sleep with him on the first date. Advice from Captain Kirk may differ.

So you went on the first date and you didn’t sleep with him! Good on you for keeping your knickers on darling! You had a lovely time: dinner, movie, a few drinks. He only stared at your boobs when he thought you were not looking and only tried to get you to come home with him 2 or 3 times. An all around perfect evening. You wake the next day with a warm glow and an extra spring in your step. You don’t want to get too far ahead of yourself (there will be plenty of time to pick baby names later) but you have a good feeling about this one. You look down at your phone. No sms from him. Oh well, I am sure he is sleeping late and has a busy day. Check Facebook. No messages. Not even a poke. Oh that’s cool, we are taking it easy, he is a pretty relaxed guy. Or at least that’s what I think considering he barely smiled during the evening. Lunchtime: no contact. Mid-afternoon: no contact. Late-mid-afternoon: still no contact. OH NO, THE DATE WAS A DISASTER!!

He-Says-He-Me-Why-Hasnt-He-CalledKate spent the whole afternoon sitting there, staring “why the fuck do I still have this old Nokia and not an iPhone? I bet me is trying to Facetime me right now”. Little did Kate know, Henry had another kind of “Facetime” on his mind…

Relax honey, he will contact you and it’s a bonus if he does it sober. If you are worried, start some light Facebook conversation. But talk to him. No pokes, no passive aggressive “like” of “Photo 181 of 190” in his Facebook album. Just speak normally to him. Just as girls have endless advice given to them on how relationships should be (however mine is the ONLY advice you should listen to), guys have been told they need to wait to reply and play a little hard to get. Right now he is probably looking through a men’s magazine feeling bad he doesn’t have 6 pack abs and a Aston Martin when instead all he has a 6 pack of beer and a buddy called Martin. Yup, now media has made us feel bad about ourselves too, so it’s equal ladies. I do agree the guy should be the guy but this isn’t a Mexican stand-off at 20 paces to see who texts first. Prove you are a kick ass chick of the year 2013 and just talk to him.

darryn-lyons-image-2-744411117-924812Oh this one is a keeper

However at this stage ladies, it’s all about decisiveness. These days everyone is “hanging out” and if you are not sure about him, you just hang out some more and think maybe something could grow… but what happens is rarely a wacky, charming, offbeat tale like a Zac Braff movie and instead it ends up as something Alfred Hitchcock would have written. I think next time you meet a guy who generally fits your basic womanly needs, you need to decide yes or no. If it is a “no” then it’s off. I don’t care if he is super good looking, buy a magazine if you want to look at a model. No hanging around, no endless online chats and definitely no hooking up randomly at 3am at Shooters. The problem is indecisiveness. “Maybe” pretty much always means no. If you don’t feel it for the guy after the first date, move on. Don’t drag it out because you know it will turn into torture which would make Guantanamo Bay look like a pleasure resort.

ku-mediumAt the end of the day, at least Ahmed still had his good looks

If you are not feeling the chemistry with him, instead enjoy the chemistry of a vodka martini. It will give you more enduring satisfaction and anyway, that bar tender is kind of cute. Oh and ladies if you are feeling the chemistry go for it. Just don’t update your Facebook status to “in a relationship” just yet. Wait until the second date for that one.

Louis Zezeran

Louis Zezeran

Louis Zezeran is an Australian Stand Up comedian and comedy promoter based in Tallinn, Estonia.

He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland
Louis Zezeran

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