ooh I remember this thing, I used to have a blog ages ago where I crapped on about all kinds of European stuff which interested me. Then i started to write about serious stuff with less pictures and people said "louis, we get where your coming from but the internet is the place for people with attention spans of 5 year olds, if we wanted to read a novel Id go rip off a book from angus and robertson". Well never fear, Im back and Ive got dick jokes, everything will be ok.
So im having a conversation with a Swedish friend the other day and we start talking about school and then onto sex education in schools and I start to have a very strange flashback to my own experiences in the New South Wales public school system. Does anyone remember this guy?
With a smile like that you’d think someone has a hand up her arse too
Myself and my generation of little Australians were given sexual and drug information by a puppet giraffe in the back of a dark caravan. Im not kidding. The Giraffes name is "Happy Healthy Harold" and a foundation called "Life Education" would come to your school each year and your class would get an hour in the caravan getting a presentation about all kinds of things which effect young people growing up. Wonder why we are messed up and none of us know about STDs for example, because we were taught about the birds and the bees by a overgrown orange sock puppet.
I do have one personal memory of the caravan which will never leave me. They were playing a video about getting pressured into having sex and making sure you had proper protection. In the fantastically acted scene on the film we have a young man and a young lady who I think were meant to be in some sort of thrust of passion, however they cant show too much action, they were clothed of course, possibly standing outside the Blue Light Disco, this is Australia after all. I believe the young man was asking the girl for some "hows your father" action.
Girl: But what if I get pregnant?
Boy: Oh dont worry baby, Ill pull it out before I come.
In this lesson we learnt what "pre cum" is and why the plan our young and horny friend has proposed wont fly. Amazing stuff. Thank you Harold.
Now you tell this shit to… let see… ANY EUROPEAN (except British) and they will drop to the floor in hysterical laughter.
Remember the movie Eurotrip where the guy said "It was all the prudes who left Europe and founded the new land, Im going back there to claim my birthright, Kinky European Sex" Its true, we are a huge bunch of conservatives compared to these people, we cant even explain these concepts as rational adults to kids, we need to hide behind a puppet in a darkened van to do it.
This isnt even the original van. Did you also know the eventually made Harold all anamatronic, robot Jurassic Park style? This shit just gets better.
Oh course, Swedes have a stereotype themselves as being a bit more sexually outgoing than your average European, take all those good looking boys and good looking girls and then lock them indoors for 4 months a year with sunlight only from 12:42 to 12:48 each day and well, soon the reruns of the Bold and the Beautiful run out and its time to have some good old fashioned Nordic fun.
I swear to god, Swedish people look like this. EVERY DAY.
I was then told about Swedish sex education which involved.. get this
HANDING OUT PLASTIC PENISES IN CLASS AND GETTING TO PUT THE CONDOM OVER THEM
HOLY SHIT! I needed this fact repeated to me several times before Id believe it! In Australlia we were LUCKY if the teachers demonstrated with a cucumber at the front of the class, let alone handing out personalised dildos to everyone! Can you imagine the uproar which would be made if schools handed out plastic genitals for us to practise on??? "Oh its a moral crisis" they would say. it would be plastered all over the media, opinion writers would note how social morals have decayed, our christian prime minister would chime in and band the practise from schools and eventually the Chaser boys would role up to the Christian Conservative political party headquarters dressed in a big plastic penis outfit and have to be removed by security. All to keep us safe from what pumps through our veins.
Sweden, its the promised land I say.
He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland