Cosmo December 2013 – Meeting Guys at Christmas Parties

Cripes I am a bit behind on posting these. Although I kind of like leaving them for a few months, when I think I’m a shitty writer I go back and read these and remember they aren’t so bad.

Gosh we had some fun at the Cosmo 9th Birthday party! Nice speeches, tasty cocktails and some idiot doing Stand Up. We had a another comedy gig earlier that evening and we came with our guest comedians who were single and oh so ready to mingle. It should have been heaven: girls, drinks, free condoms but we experienced something we didn’t expect to. Intimidation.


haha OMG that foreign guy bag TOTALLY just tried to come and talk to us. Whatever, doesn’t he know we are busy here talking about how there are no nice guys around?

Lets take one of our guests, Darius Davies from England. Funny, confident, good looking, more charisma than Bill Clinton crossed with another Bill Clinton and with the same enthusiasm for the ladies. I thought it would be the night of their lives but instead I found Darius at the back of the room.

“I can’t talk to any of these women”
“Why not dude?”
“Look at them, dressed up like models, hair styles which looks like modern works of art, talking in small groups. They know they are hot, they don’t have any time for me”
“Did you try talking to them? Come on man, you just gotta get in the game baby!”
“Yeah I asked one girl what her name was, she replied ‘goodbye’. Do they do shots at this place?”


This was us! Except we are men. Do you see how the tables have turned ladies???

I watched Darius as he made his way to the bar, he was like a little baby lion who had been placed in a room full of confident adult gazelles. Every instinct in him was screaming to go on the hunt but the “pray” barely noticed him nipping at their heels. The king of the jungle he was not. In one moment it seemed a young lady was checking him out but then it became clear she had knocked back one too many bubbly drinks as she “seductively” ran her tongue down a piece of that cake… note: that trick doesn’t quite work. Not even on English comedians and that’s saying something. Darius looked horrified but at least I was tremendously amused.

You see, society is telling us guys that we are supposed to be self assured, that we should be the ones to approach women, but then it barely gives us any more advice for how we arrive at destination “confidence” when currently we are in transit lounge “shit scared and crying in the corner”. Where do guys turn for this life wisdom? The Bill Clinton autobiography?


When I was 14 and I had a crush on a girl, I would be so scared of calling her and sounding like an idiot that I would write down a list of conversation topics on a bit of paper and refer to it when I ran out of things to say. I would get so nervous! That anxious boy making lists is still inside me, just these days I don’t need the bit of paper to remember them. I write them on the back of my hand.

My point is that even a group of confident, talented guys were intimated by a big group of beautiful, fancy girls. They could make the movie “Mission Impossible 5: Cosmo Party” but it would be too unrealistic, Tom Cruise may break into the CIA but he will never break into a group of chatty tipsy girls. If your sitting around talking about how you can’t find a nice guy, it might be because you are siting around talking about how you can’t find a nice guy. I’m not saying put up a big sign inviting guys over but don’t make it too hard either. You know there is a correlation between guys who are hyper confident and guys who are hyper douche bags? If you make the test too hard, only Slimey McSleezebag is going to give it a shot.


The only man left who will come and talk to you. Maybe my whole problem is I spent a good part of my childhood playing Leisure Suit Larry.

When you are at a Christmas party this month, don’t just huddle up like a basketball team protecting their strategy from the opposition. When we come to talk to you, rethink that look on your face like we just mistreated your pet hamster, give us a smile and start talking, it will show more of your natural beauty than those fake lashes ever will.

Oh but whatever you do, don’t try and seduce a guy with cake. Ever.