Cosmo May 2013 – First Impressions

On a whim one day I had an idea “I should write advice for women’s magazine” and I promptly contacted the editors of Cosmopoltian Magazine in Estonia who, much to my surprise, gave me a shot.  I have now had two published with another one coming out any day now. I am happy now to present the English version of my column “Man Thinks…” on my blog, delayed by 2 months so you see it first in the magazine.

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Louis Zezeran on first impressions….

When the girls at Cosmo asked me to write a piece about first impressions I was like…. wait…. girls try to impress guys? This may sound completely stupid but men don’t consider it this way. I’ve never done this Cosmo thing before but I think you girls are missing out on some major perspective differences here. I always though the dating process was guys jumping around like monkeys on parade, being the loudest / funniest / dumbest / smartest and eventually a women decides “yes that is the monkey for me”. So it’s sort of nice to know girls have these problems too.

the-3-monkeysPulling some sweet moves at the nightclub bro

So what makes a guy notice a girl? Well a pulse is a good start. Ladies, if you are female we notice you. We have a crazy amount of hormones pumping through our bodies, when we walk into a room it is like we have a devil and an angel sitting in our shoulder. On the left shoulder is muscly surfer dude who is standing there with a megaphone yelling “HUMP EVERYTHING IN SIGHT DUDE WOOO!” and on the other shoulder is a nerd with thick glasses “ummm if you do that you will be arrested, try just saying hello to her dumbass”. You see, the conspiracy is that there is actually no such thing as “men”, we don’t really grow up, we just become “fat older boys”. This leaves us a bit thick.

If you are worried that you have not been noticed try a smile. I know, I know it’s the middle of winter and you haven’t seen the sun for about 4 years but give the smile a go. Make a joke. We love humor in a girl as much as you love it in a guy. In fact, the worse the joke the better, tells us we don’t have to be super sensitive because if you can count on one thing, when you meet a guy, running through his head is… “sex sex sex sex sex” Ok I’m kidding. Sort of. but what is ALSO going through his head is “don’t say a dick joke…. don’t say a dick joke… ah crap I just said a dick joke.. wait but she said a dick joke too!! I’M SAVED!!” The male ego is more fragile than a Ming Dynasty vase and our jokes are from the same era. Please laugh at us.

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See this precious vase? Your boyfriends ego is way more precious. However like this vase, his ego is likely to have a dragon on the outside and have nothing on the inside.

What we need to establish is the level of male stupidity. Your prince charming isn’t coming darling, or at least not until you jump on that Tallink ferry and move to Sweden. Men are super dumb. We are like Bart and Homer on that episode of the Simpsons running at each other with cooking pots on our heads, falling over and laughing. When I was growing up the favorite game for my friends and I to play was “humdings” where we would stand 10 meters apart and attempt to throw a Frisbee at each others crotch. At each turn we would get a step closer to one another until someone gives up, in agony. You can pretend your guy is a knight in shining amour who will be an amazing gentleman, pay for dinner, wait three dates before trying to sleep with you and be the perfect genetic match for your amazingly talented children but deep inside, he is still that boy standing there, bend over in pain while his friends yells “Humdings! I Win!”. Also, by the way, when I say “our favorite game growing up” I mean “our favorite game when we were 25 and had left university”. This is who you have to deal with.

What is the first impression though? The first look? The first meeting? How long does it take you to make up your mind? In some Estonian women this time can span up to several years. Hey no worries, I’ve got time to wait. I have noticed a pattern, there are some Estonian woman who are absolutely nuts up to the age 25, totally independent, loves to party, loving life and their favorite comeback is “I don’t need you, your two sms’es a week are overwhelming me and making me feel trapped!”. However, then something magical happens. BAM! Almost overnight girls turn into women and us boys are left without a chance. All of a sudden you become super wordly, quit your partying ways, enroll in a yoga class, grab the nearest nerd around, move in together and pop out a few little Kalevipeogs. To a guy first impressions seem not so much about impressing a girl, but just being there when she decides you are the monkey for her. Ladies, the ball is in your court.

Source: Estonian Cosmopolitan May 2013