Bike Hostage Situations

I got back from a week in Estonia and found my bike, which I had left chained to a pole, had been fucked with. Someone has screwed the lock somehow and it became impossible to get it open. Oh did I mention it’s -10 and 10 cm of snow outside too!

So what can I do? I like this bike, its an old Swedish Crescent which I dont want to give up. In case you have forgotten I am Australian, which means I already have a super dodgy plan.

See the above pic and how it a pole with a sign on top? Well turns out, nice Finnish people dont seem to have a problem with kids stealing street signs so that sign at the top is bolted on with REGULAR screws. Now to me this is amazing, in Australia its not enough to just bolt things down, you need to bolt them down with a special proprietary screw, concrete the thing in place and then put a surveillance camera just to make sure some little shits from Lovell Pde Shortland don’t come along and Saddam-drag that thing out of there. This is by no means an admission of guilt in any form…

So my plan is such

  • Next non snow blizzard day, come back with a stool and my tool box
  • Take off blue top sign
  • Slide bike off the top of the pole
  • Reattach blue top sign
  • Take bike home to my attic where I can use my Swedish bought Angle Grinder to cut the lock off the bike
  • Ride to the store (in -15) for an ice cream

Will my plan work? Will some good Finnish person call the cops? Maybe, but I am confident that I can explain this. Somehow. I may need someone to verify that the bike is actually mine. My friends here do know the bike but I figure my best bet would be just to call Anna. In Finland, anyone who speaks Swedish is instantly a trustworthy (and most likely wealthy) person so they would believe her.

I’ll get my bike back, don’t you worry.

By Louis Zezeran

Louis Zezeran is an Australian Stand Up comedian and comedy promoter based in Tallinn, Estonia. He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland

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