Cultural Learnings of… Life In Russia

April 18, 2007



Im sitting around Riga a bit bored and wanted to share with you this classic story, one I havnt told in a blog yet because its far better with actions but im sure you will get the idea. This blog post has a few rudie words in so best to read it after 20:30 I think and if you are my mother then not at all.

Cast your minds back to 1 year ago and 3 brave but niave boys along with 1 volvo have landed in Tallinn, Estonia sans car ownership papers and their first time ever in an "eastern" european country. it all seems very lovely and the guys have a room in a small hostel situation below a strip club. Perfect. Adam had dozed off and I got up to get a drink from the kitchen of the hostel where Dieter was up using the laptop. He was talking to a guy whod Id seen around the hostel, big guy, loud, seemed to know the owner of the hostel well and spoke Russian to her. Now this guy was speaking to Dieter in a VERY loud, VERY thick American accent. Hes swaying a little bit and absolutly stinks… hes absolutly and completly piss drunk. Turns out hes been living in Russia for 5 years and has to leave occasionally for visa reasons. Immediately I know we are in for a good time.

"You guys are AUSSIE, OH I LOVE Australia man… you guys are GREAT"
"So you boys like the girls here, pretty hot eh?"

I love talking to random drunks so at first I was into it.
"Yeah for sure, the girls look nice here"

"OH, Im glad your not POOFS. Good. You guys need to go to Russia MAN, the girls there are unbelivable, absolutly unbelievable. YOU WILL SHIT YOUR FUCKING PANTS. "

"(chuckle) oh yeah, really?"

"HONESTLY, Im not kidding. YOU WILL FUCKING SHIT YOUR PANTS. FUCKING SHIT YOUR PANTS. Im not joking with you."

Its at this stage, as if demonstrate the exact manevuer we would do, it starts to half squat, bobbing down a bit. Riiiiight. Hes persistance and smell is now getting to me but I dont want to walk off, clearly hes connected to the owner of the hostel, I dont wanna piss him off just yet.

"LIKE THIS, YOU’LL SHIT YOUR PANTS. Look, just like Im doing, youll shit your pants guys. You go into a club and the women just line up against the wall and you can choose anyone you want and they ARE ALL AMAZING, PERFECT. Like you walk into this club and shit your pants. Of course you have to pay these ones at the end"

Well what a outstanding reference from this guy. Time is tracking on now, hes been squating and yelling for about 15 minutes. A girl comes out from one of the rooms and asks if he can keep it down. "OH YEAH WHATEVER" Is his reply. Dieter and I try to interject with a "maybe you should go to bed dude" but hes intent on staying.

"OH BUT GUYS, You have to watch out. Russian women are BITCHES, COLD BITCHES. You’ll shit your pants at how hot they are but they are COLD. I SHOULD KNOW, I MARRIED ONE. She was a cold bitch, took me for everything I had. BUT YOULL SHIT YOUR PANTS"

At this point the girl comes out again and is rather more forceful with him, raising her voice a bit, its about 2am and she really needs her sleep and makes this well known to the guy, whos reply is

"OH YEAH, WHATEVER, SHUTUP LESBIAN". After an exhange of this she storms off. Hilarity for sure.

By this stage the drunkeness is getting to the guy and it seems we have more luck in convincing him its bed time. Thankfully for us too however our pain has been worth it, the guy has given us a most memorable evening and one of the funniest catch phrases which we keep to this day. We never did get into Russia last year but if I ever do, Ill be sure to pack an extra set of pants.

Louis Zezeran

Louis Zezeran

Louis Zezeran is an Australian Stand Up comedian and comedy promoter based in Tallinn, Estonia.

He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland
Louis Zezeran

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