Cosmo March 2014 – Commitment

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Guys like relationships. We are not all the slick pick up artists out there trying to hit on every girl in sight. Meeting a girl, falling for her, it’s great. Everyone’s happy! However, looking back on my life, after you are together a while, something changes. Y’all start to get a little confused by how your man acts. This happens after the love stage, maybe some kind of living together but it’s definitely before marriage. He loves you, you know that. He wants to be with you. But nothing has changed in a while. It is the same. It brings on questions in you. Where is this relationship going? Does he still love me? Why does he feel he can leave the toilet seat up now? He seems so perfectly ok with this! Why doesn’t he do something?? Can’t he see we need to do something?? God I hate him so much right now, he way he sits there and watches football, look at him smiling at me. I bet he is enjoying this. Jerk!

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We are smiling because we really are enjoying this. Guys LOVE this time in the relationship. We are together with you, we go out and we have awesome fun. Plus the sex is pretty great too. Sure all that extra stuff has to come sometime and we do really want that, but we don’t get why it needs to come so soon. Don’t we have our whole lives for that? What’s the rush baby? Well, its probably because guys have approximately zero biological and social pressure to move forward. I’m going to be pretty good at making a kid for the next 20 years and while I don’t really want to be some “grandpa daddy”, my healthy male ego thinks “oh yeah I’m going to be fit and active well into my mid life, I think there is room for another beer now”. If you don’t have parents who are pushing you (tip: moving across the other side of the world worked for me) then its pretty much only your girlfriend who wants you to get serious. So then we start feeling we are going out with a project manager who dutifully informs us this relationship is behind schedule and the only way to make it up is to put in double shifts of nights in watching Sex and the City reruns.

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When we are sitting on the couch, using the remote to change channels, we feel like a man. A man in control. In control of a TV but in control nevertheless

I think there exists a lot social pressure on women over 25 in Estonia to settle down and have a partner. If you want to focus on your career, you’re going to have A LOT of people telling you “when you get a cat, you should definitely take one from the shelter”. When I was single I would so rarely meet single women above 25, like older single women of Estonia form a secret society for fear of being outed as witches. When I would go to Copenhagen or Stockholm it would be perfectly normal to meet eligible single women who had great jobs and were 30 or more. I hope for your sake it becomes more normal here, the last thing you want is to settle for some dork because you are running out of friends to have a drink with on Friday night.

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Unmarried at 25? GO OUT AND FIND A MAN NOW or this will be you in 2 years, I swear to god the cats can smell your singleness, go go go!!

So don’t let that stuff drive you nuts ok? Pretty much every ex girlfriend who I have spoken to years later, if they were not still (deservedly) interested in throwing a coffee mug at my head, told me they are sorry for pushing me into something I didn’t want to do. Oh what’s that? After 16 years of having adult relationships maybe the common factor in me not being able to move on to something more committed is actually just.. me? Hey, who asked you anyway. Fine.

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Artist rendering of pretty much every breakup I’ve ever had. In my younger days I looked older and more like Super Mario

Look, your man loves you and he wants to be with you. He may have a hard time opening up because, while the Y chromosome gives us logic, it also leaves us with the emotional range of a Baltic herring. If he’s reluctant, give him time. Just don’t let man boy child sitting next to you take forever to come around though, let a man not commit forever and he probably won’t. Enjoy the time you have together, you will be surprised how fast your guy will learn stuff if you ease up on him and talk about it a bit. He might even watch another Sex and the City with you.

Cosmo February 2014 – Porn

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If you do like porn, thank you from myself and every other guy on the planet. You make the world a good and happy place. It is very liberating when a woman tells you she is into it. It’s like turning 18 and being able to buy booze, I don’t have to hide it anymore! Oh forbidden pleasure! However ladies, if you are not into porn, its really not as dark and twisted as you think (unless you want it to be…), maybe you just haven’t found the style you like yet. Let me be your guide to this amazing art form. Yes it’s an art form. Shhhh come, hold my hand, let me lead you on an fantastic journey.

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…and if yourself is liking dirty movies, keep being yourself. In fact, be more of yourself. I believe in you.

Porn is like a McDonald’s burger, there is a variety out there for everyone’s taste and if you only enjoy your exotic taste ever so often, how bad can that be? Even further, what if, you could share that amazing burger experience with your most beloved? Wouldn’t you want to share that amazing and tasty (admittedly not deeply satisfying) experience with your partner? As guys it would be impolite not to share this with you! You just need to find the kind you like. Is it too much to go for a Big Mac with two layers of meat sandwiching a fresh bit of lettuce? Maybe a straight cheese burger between the sheets of two sesame seed buns is your thing. How about something foreign, spicy and not on offer very often in Estonia like an El Maco? OR maybe you are really into something really outrageous and would like to have a McDonald’s birthday party for all your friends. Go crazy, it’s your meal. In our minds women want to eat at a nice pleasant cafe, cause thats the dignified thing to do. But when we find out that you not only want to eat McDonald’s with us but have been known to sneak down a few burgers yourself on a lonely Tuesday night, it drives us wild and can’t wait to rip through the McDrive of YouPorn.com

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Thank you, come again

Whatever you do, don’t go rummaging through your boyfriend’s porn folder either (oh it’s in C:\stuff how original), you will probably see some weird things which will make you think he wants to dress up like the pizza boy and make all his deliveries via the “back door”. Probably not the most erotic thing for you. Instead, have a few glasses of wine one night at home and do a little searching. Just look around and see what you like because I think while the basic instinct is the same in men and women, what turns us on is different. I think, guys like to watch porn where it’s a guy fucking a girl whereas women like to watch porn where it’s two people having sex. Geddit? There is loads of stuff out there which is super hot, rough, kinky, whatever you want, while still putting an equal emphasis on the woman. Then, once you know a little about what you like, you can share it with your guy. I assure you that on this date night, he will have no problems with you picking the movie.

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So, while you are snuggling up with a glass of white wine and some of YouPorn’s finest, remember that porn represents a fantasy. Just cause you watch it, doesn’t mean you want to do it. Just because your boyfriend has those videos doesn’t mean he’s angling for a threesome with you an a Brazilian midget. I mean, it’s a long flight to Brazil. These people are actors. It’s like going to a romantic comedy and then yelling at the screen because you didn’t meet Colin Firth on sunny afternoon in the park. Romantic comedies are really just porn with more clothes and a slightly more advanced plot line.

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The moves in romantic comedies have about as much chance of working in the real world as the moves from Porn. Difference is that guy understand a porn scene ain’t going to happen in their lifetime

Think of it this way, how complicated do you really think a guy’s thoughts are when he’s looking at porn? Exactly. Thats how you have to view it! Switch off your brain for a while, grab the laptop and enjoy the show.

Foster’s Beer “No Worries” Ambassador in Finland

That’s kind of a long title right? Foster’s Beer in Finland is looking to expand and they chose me to be their spokesperson or as they call it the Foster’s “No Worries” Ambassador. Clearly being the symbol of Foster’s Beer is a life achievement and I must clearly now be ranked with the likes of Paul Hogan and Steve Irwin for my contributions to educating the world about my fine culture. No word yet on if they are giving me a lifetime’s supply of Foster’s but obviously I’m angling for it.

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I did some Facebook and YouTube videos for the campaign around Helsinki this week and it was a load of fun to unleash my inner blue singlet wearing ocka Aussie. The videos are released in August and after that I get some control over the Foster’s Finland Facebook account and get to answer Finnish people’s questions about Australia, can’t wait!

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ps. Mikkel… who? This is Finland baby.

Cosmo January 2014 – Which Of My Friends Would You Sleep With?

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“Which of my friends would you sleep with?” Has there ever been a question which can end a relationship quicker? Why do you want to know the answer to this question? Is it a test? Because its a horrible, insidious, Dr Evil test. Trying to fool our poor simple monkey brains. Shame on you.

I was reading the “Love Guru” in last months Cosmo about a young lady who asked this question of her boyfriend. He wouldn’t say but she wouldn’t give up. She nagged and poked and hassled this poor bastard until he eventually spat out an answer and now she was gripped with jealously. The Love Guru replied with what I dare say is the answer you would give, that its her fault. Ask a stupid question and you will get a bad, horrifying answer honey.

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To guys this question sets off a big flashy red light alerting us to the impending danger ahead. To use a Star Wars comparison, once our relation”ship” comes out of the initial emotional hyper-drive, we are presented with a question the size of the Death Star and if we get the answer wrong it will shoot laser beams of irrational jealousy at us. It’s a trap, but this poor bastard was worn down and gave in, saying what a guy should never say in this situation. The truth.

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Or did he? The real truth is much more simple. He can’t give an answer because he would sleep with all of them. HE’S A GUY. You are hot and you have hot friends but it doesn’t mean he’s going do it. Or even will try and do it. But 40 million years of evolution is hard to push out of our brains. We are wired to respond to this stuff, cause deep down we have all had a quick thought about you and your friends having a pillow fight in your underwear on our bed. Any guy who denies this is either a liar or someone who does not tell the truth. Every time I have this fantasy I have mixed reactions. In one way, it keeps me warm at night, in another way when the pillow bursts open upon being hit against the forbidden booty I start to think “Oh, that was my favorite Italian duck feather pillow, do you know how much that cost?” While the penis may drive the man first, the wallet is not far behind.

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This is pretty much how a 4 some starts right? anyone?

However, the question isn’t really about your friends is it? It’s an attempt to get attention and affection from your guy when you’re starting to think he is considering a move to Korea because there he can legally marry his X-Box. You don’t really want to know about your friends, you want him to say something nice to you because your having a bad day. You are out there doing some deep sea big game fishing for a big Great White Shark of a compliment. However you don’t want to be so obvious as to ASK for a compliment, cause that’s not really satisfying is it? So it has to be hidden, slightly obscured. You have left some cheese out for us, but unfortunately, its also sitting inside a mouse trap.

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I get what you are trying to do and it’s ok! Really, we want to be good boyfriends, we want to make you feel as loved as our Xbox (you want to be MORE loved? Lets not stretch things here..). You can’t wrap these things up in such a nuclear explosive delivery device because we are well trained in these cold war tactics. We are going to act defensive, cagey and side step the issue making you feel skeptical and from there it’s just a countdown until you both appear on the Jerry Springer show.

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So let’s start a campaign, “ban the question”. Instead just try to let us in a bit more on how you are feeling and with luck, he will notice. However if you ARE genuinely interested and cool with what your guy thinks of your friends… may god have mercy on that lucky bastards soul.

Cosmo December 2013 – Meeting Guys at Christmas Parties

Cripes I am a bit behind on posting these. Although I kind of like leaving them for a few months, when I think I’m a shitty writer I go back and read these and remember they aren’t so bad.
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Gosh we had some fun at the Cosmo 9th Birthday party! Nice speeches, tasty cocktails and some idiot doing Stand Up. We had a another comedy gig earlier that evening and we came with our guest comedians who were single and oh so ready to mingle. It should have been heaven: girls, drinks, free condoms but we experienced something we didn’t expect to. Intimidation.

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haha OMG that foreign guy bag TOTALLY just tried to come and talk to us. Whatever, doesn’t he know we are busy here talking about how there are no nice guys around?

Lets take one of our guests, Darius Davies from England. Funny, confident, good looking, more charisma than Bill Clinton crossed with another Bill Clinton and with the same enthusiasm for the ladies. I thought it would be the night of their lives but instead I found Darius at the back of the room.

“I can’t talk to any of these women”
“Why not dude?”
“Look at them, dressed up like models, hair styles which looks like modern works of art, talking in small groups. They know they are hot, they don’t have any time for me”
“Did you try talking to them? Come on man, you just gotta get in the game baby!”
“Yeah I asked one girl what her name was, she replied ‘goodbye’. Do they do shots at this place?”

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This was us! Except we are men. Do you see how the tables have turned ladies???

I watched Darius as he made his way to the bar, he was like a little baby lion who had been placed in a room full of confident adult gazelles. Every instinct in him was screaming to go on the hunt but the “pray” barely noticed him nipping at their heels. The king of the jungle he was not. In one moment it seemed a young lady was checking him out but then it became clear she had knocked back one too many bubbly drinks as she “seductively” ran her tongue down a piece of that cake… note: that trick doesn’t quite work. Not even on English comedians and that’s saying something. Darius looked horrified but at least I was tremendously amused.

You see, society is telling us guys that we are supposed to be self assured, that we should be the ones to approach women, but then it barely gives us any more advice for how we arrive at destination “confidence” when currently we are in transit lounge “shit scared and crying in the corner”. Where do guys turn for this life wisdom? The Bill Clinton autobiography?

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When I was 14 and I had a crush on a girl, I would be so scared of calling her and sounding like an idiot that I would write down a list of conversation topics on a bit of paper and refer to it when I ran out of things to say. I would get so nervous! That anxious boy making lists is still inside me, just these days I don’t need the bit of paper to remember them. I write them on the back of my hand.

My point is that even a group of confident, talented guys were intimated by a big group of beautiful, fancy girls. They could make the movie “Mission Impossible 5: Cosmo Party” but it would be too unrealistic, Tom Cruise may break into the CIA but he will never break into a group of chatty tipsy girls. If your sitting around talking about how you can’t find a nice guy, it might be because you are siting around talking about how you can’t find a nice guy. I’m not saying put up a big sign inviting guys over but don’t make it too hard either. You know there is a correlation between guys who are hyper confident and guys who are hyper douche bags? If you make the test too hard, only Slimey McSleezebag is going to give it a shot.

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The only man left who will come and talk to you. Maybe my whole problem is I spent a good part of my childhood playing Leisure Suit Larry.

When you are at a Christmas party this month, don’t just huddle up like a basketball team protecting their strategy from the opposition. When we come to talk to you, rethink that look on your face like we just mistreated your pet hamster, give us a smile and start talking, it will show more of your natural beauty than those fake lashes ever will.

Oh but whatever you do, don’t try and seduce a guy with cake. Ever.

Cosmo November 2013 – “The” First Time

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Apparently loads of you want to know what guys think about the first time having sex. I’m not talking about your FIRST time, thats a strange, confusing, awkward and messy experience, nor am I talking about some random one night stand. I’m talking about that guy you had a lovely first impression with and that guy who took you on a first date and you liked him so much you though “oh i really want to go to bed with him but I dont want him to think I’m easy”. Wait, you genuinely did want to wait? Oh too confusing, lets move on.

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After a while everything falls into line, you like him, he seems to like you (seems so..), you had a good time on that last date and given just the right amount of white wine next time you are pretty sure your dress will fall off faster than Anu Saagim’s when a tabloid photographer is around. Women may be worried about all sorts of things: will he like my boobs? (hint: yup). will his “downstairs” be kept tidy or look like some amazon rainforest? should I bust out my twerking movies upon entering the bedroom? Will he remember to take off his socks when we do it? (note: clearly I have no idea about what women think about)

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Ernie and Bert explore their Amazon together

What guys are thinking about is so typically male you will slap yourself. We are thinking about… ourselves. Surprise of all surprises! It basically comes down to: will I be able to rock her world and be her big amazing jungle man. Do you get what I mean? Will I be good enough in bed? Will I make her reach the “Big O”? Will she get off the train at “Grand Central Orgasm”? Afterwards, will she consider me Tarzan to her Jane, Mr Big to her Carrie, Toomas to her Evelin. For the love of god we just want to please you. We have a fear of being an inadequate sexual partner because our monkey brains associate sexual prowess with pretty much being king of the universe and everything in it. That’s why guys don’t compare penis size, if I have a bigger penis then it is the highest high, like winning the sausage lottery. The other guy could drive a Ferrari but I’ll still be satisfied knowing that I’m hung like that horse prancing on his car’s logo. However…. if he has the bigger penis then its the ultimate shame, the lowest low, time for some of that Japanese ritual suicide where one dies by ones’ own sword (pun intended). In the end, it’s just not worth the risk, so we keep our eyes front and center at the urinal.

 322333t81h240fGentlemen, it’s your job to be THIS manly

We desperately want to do is satisfy you so you will consider us a good mate, it is a super primitive part of us. I know you were doing all the right sexy things and showing how much you liked it but if you really want to make him happy, tell him he did a good job. Simple as that. Who says for men it is all about the physical? You really want to ensure he makes you breakfast in bed the next morning? Tell him he has a “nice” penis. No need to go crazy, you don’t need to say “huge” or “amazing” or “larger than a dwarf’s arm holding an apple” (i mean… if you like…). Simply complimenting “it” will get the same reaction you have when someone compliments your new pair of shoes. He will go stand in front of the mirror and admire his “pride” while feeling good about himself. All before he brings you those eggs in the morning.

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SHE SAID I HAD A NICE PENIS! YEEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!

Does it sound like these are very basic primate actions from us? Yup! However it’s harder to have a more basic and instinctual action than making love to the women you care for. Just relax, he is going to like your body and he is going to like you. But did you really hold off having sex until the third date just because you felt like it? Who would give you such weird advice?

I Did a Video: Feel The Difference – Scheckmann

A few weeks ago I did the acting and voice over for my friends hand made shoe company “Scheckmann”. The shoes are brilliant, totally custom made, I can’t wait for my pair. She also made me a sweet wallet too. I am totally Scheckmann and oh boy do I feel the difference.

Scheckmann “Feel The Difference” commercial video from Scheckmann on Vimeo.

Cosmo October 2014 – Who Pays?

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Knowing who should pay on the first date is a minefield. I like to pay, I feel its the gentlemanly thing to do but there is always the risk, what if she thinks we should go halves? I am infringing on her feministic rights and taking away her “she-energy”? Am I a condescending jerk for saying that? Am I a condescending jerk for not offering to pay? Am I just a condescending jerk? (send your answers to louisisajerk@cosmopolitan.ee to win a signed picture of me having a drink thrown in my face)

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Can a guy throw a drink in a girls face though? I thought not but this guy has a pretty water tight excuse. pun intended.

It’s bloody hard for the guy to know which one he should do. My friend in Australia who is one of the countries’ top young playwrights thinks it should be equal to “get away from the analogy that women are sex vending machines that only respond to coins of romance being put in”. Wow, intense. Let me see if I have any spare change.

I don’t understand the idea that going halves makes you an independent woman. What of the opposite: Is that all it takes, a meal, to take away your independence? (On a side note: President Ilves should never accept a meal from Putin, you never know). Eating this meal won’t send you back to the typing pool in Mad Men, it’s just a nice thing to do.

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On their first date, Toomas was more than apprehensive

Think of it from another angle. Years ago as a young backpacker in Berlin I met a girl in the hostel and after many beers we decided to sneak into her dorm room. However, there was only one problem, a Korean guy, laying there, in the dark and very awake. Not to be defeated I came up with a brilliant plan. I went over to my new Koran BFF, explained the situation, asked if he could go downstairs to the bar for half an hour and if so, it would be my pleasure to provide him with 20 euros to buy himself a few drinks. I know right, another genius Louis Zezeran masterplan!

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20 euros is a fucking fortune to a backpacker, I meant business

When my female friends back in Australia heard this they were aghast!”Louis you were paying for sex! How could you?”. Sure money was changing hands but it wasn’t going to her, it was going to “Kim Jong Pimp” laying there. AND he’s not a pimp. Well maybe he’s a pimp back in Korea but he’s not a pimp here. How is this any different from paying a restaurant to create a nice atmosphere and provide drinks all night to lubricate the… err.. conversation?

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If this was the Korean involved it would have been all like “Oh Denis, we helped Louis get laid, give me a hug”

As it turns out, rather than Gangnam style, my Korean friend was more interested in “Going-nap” style. Despite my repeated pleas he refused my monetary offer and as I sulked away I saw I’d been away so long my female friend had fallen asleep. Strike two for the evening. Defeated, I went downstairs to the bar and used that 20€ to instead buy drinks for myself. At the end of this night, it was still the bartender who got paid.

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Surely I can not have been the only backpacker to sit in the bar of this place and gently sob.

The point is just do whatever you want to do and screw what society or your friends think. If you like paying, just go for it. If you like the guy to pay up, all power to you sister. Just let the guy know somehow. You will gain more kick ass chick points by just being straight with him and not acting all weird at payment time. Unless you date a Korean guy, then you are on your own.

Comedy Estonia Live! on TV3Play

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Last month we filmed our first comedy special called “Comedy Estonia Live!” and the clips are being put up on TV3Play. We are super excited about this, makes us seem all legitimate and stuff. We have all worked really hard to get this going, so super proud of everything. 2014 can only be bigger for Comedy Estonia!

Watch my first clip from Comedy Estonia Live! on TV3Play

Cosmo September 2013 – Sexual History

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Guys try to act cool about the past. We want to be as slick as Tom Cruise in Top Gun and open and caring about your feelings as all those Tumblr GIFs make Ryan Gosling out to be. However in reality we are absolutely nothing of the sort. If at any stage the talk turns to your sexual history there is only one thing you can do. You must lie. Lie like you have never lied before. Lie like you are Bill Clinton when asked if he had slept with Monica. Lie like you are a British guy at 3am the club telling a Estonian girl that you surely will visit her in Tallinn again soon. Like you are a stand up comedian telling the audience “so this hilarious thing happened to me just yesterday”… If you have to say something, tell him you had sex with Mr Ex (it is a “he” right? may god have mercy on his fragile soul if it is not) only a few times through a hole in the sheet, you didn’t like it much and that he definitely had a small penis. Emphasize this fact.

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Let me make this very clear ladies. Under no circumstances can an ex boyfriend have a bigger penis than us. We are the mighty swordsman and nothing can be allowed to crack that image. Keep on lying. We know you are lying but that’s ok, the male brain has a whole part devoted to the filtering of obvious lies about our sexual prowess which it then passes onto the rest of the brain as absolute truth. If our brains are Fox News, then there is a little Bill O’Reilly in there, twisting and turning the truth until it is acceptable by the rather simplistic audience which lays within.

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What should you tell your boyfriend about your sexual history? How good of a fiction writer are you? Our girlfriends sexual history is like a big lotto wheel in our heads and each little ball is one little “story” you have once accidentally told us. These lucky numbers can come out at any moment “and today’s supplementary number is…. she once slept with a black guy!” Guess how nervous your bf will be next time you want to go to reggae night at the club. Not that there is anything wrong with sleeping with a black guy, but lets just say from then on when ever we “make you dinner” the dish always feels like a serving of viinerid friikartulitega, if you know what I mean.

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Or how about finding out that a few years ago while drunk in Prague her and her best friend had a threesome with a dude they met in the hostel. Oh that’s a fun trip down memory lane! So darling tell me, when is your best friend coming over for dinner again? No no, I’ll buy the wine that night, it would be my pleasure. Literally. Oh that was just a crazy phase and you are far more mature and over that now?. Oh yes, I certainly am glad I met you now my dear. Heaven forbid if I find out where the dude was from. For 6 months after this I refused to eat pasta after finding out it an was Italian. At the time I hoped she hadn’t dated too many more guys or my eating choices will become sorely limited.

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Now I get the double standard here. We guys have our own sexual history, we have had girlfriends and partners and done god knows what other unspeakable acts that are certainly only legal in Germany. However, remembering our sexual past and then having the shock of realising that your past is probably not so different, is so great… that we regress into a state of thinking of you as our special little girls who left a lifetime in a convent and marched straight into Shooters whereby you downed 10 shots in a row and then we met on the dancefloor. Just don’t underestimate the male brains ability for self delusion ok? Oh and when is your best friend coming over for dinner again? I’ll buy the drinks