Cosmo Sept 2014 – Men’s Fashion Article

Try think of one word which might describe guys? Brave? Strong? Bad dancers? (ok thats two words, fine). Whatever your answer, I’m pretty sure “fashionista” is definitely not one of the first 1000 words which come to your mind. For me two stories which happened to me recently sum it up. The first one starts on a lovely summer evening, sitting on the terrace having a beer with a buddy of mine who happens to be gay and I suddenly took notice of his outfit. It was good. Really good. Tight knee length denim shorts fashionably offset with a dark blue striped shirt, an immaculately hung scarf and a beard so manly it would could scare off a bear at 50 meters. I looked down at my own outfit, thinking that yeah, I don’t do *too* bad and I realized how brutally heterosexual I looked. Dirty white shoes, jeans with a hole in the crotch from cycling exposing my grandpa undies, a badly washed tee who’s only purpose should have been as that rag you polish your shoes with and a haircut so short that it looks like I get it done at Paldiski Army base. Fast forward a few days later to my second story where I am sitting chatting with 3 Aussie mates who were visiting Tallinn and I recounted story #1, to which one of them replied “huhuh, maybe we should dress a bit worse so the chicks know we are straight uhuhhuh”. Sigh. No use big boy, the bar tender, every girl there and any bears which happen to get within 50 meters can already tell we are all 100% straight. And you know what, I am not sure that’s a good thing. Why can’t guys dress well? The bar is set pretty low, If our clothes are a proper size, that’s a win. If we have a pair of undies on which we bought less than 5 years ago, that’s a huge win. All I can to is tell you HOW guys think and maybe you can come up with some bright ideas to change your husband / boyfriend / brother / dude you have friendzoned for 2 years.

I have a feeling it was WAY easier for the Lord to accept cool gay dudes than badly dressed douchy straight ones

Is it all the guys fault though? I wonder what came first, the badly dressed man or the crappy clothes store? Every mall in Estonia feels like a less amusing version of Groundhog Day, it’s the same stores with the same stuff and what’s on offer is not great. Tallinn already has more sq/m of malls per person than most European capitals and our chances don’t seem great of seeing lots of fresh new stuff. So if shopping is already down our priority list somewhere around cleaning the kitty litter on a sunday afternoon and then we have to hunt around for something stylish and unique, of course we won’t be bothered to go looking. My tip for something fresh and different for guys is Reede in Rottermani, they have a lot of nice Scandinavian brands and the prices are not crazy, I can dig it.

Your cat, after you leave for a few days and tell your boyfriend to clean the kitty litter tray

Store managers, can you make sure there is 3G or Wifi next to the change rooms to amuse the small army of men who are constantly marooned out the front? I am looking at you H&M Rocca.

Idiosyncrasies of Men

You have 20 pair of shoes. We have 3. You have a different outfit for each night of the week (which would still be true if we lived on Jupiter and a week was about 5 times as long). We are lucky if we have 2 pair of jeans. I can only wear one pair at once, so why the need for so many things? I’m no different from any other guy, as a rule we don’t like shopping for clothes. Oh god, it takes so long! Who cares about all these different styles? None of these stores are showing the football match! I have 3 perfectly good shirts at home, why do I need anymore? I think therein lies the key to men’s fashion I think, to borrow a phrase from Thailand “same same, but different” (no not, “free drinks if you can catch the ping pong ball”). Fine, I do have a few pairs of shoes, but then I have 2 pair of jeans, both with the same cut so I know they fit. I have 1 brand of underwear. 1 brand of socks. One style of shirt and while I have a bunch of tee’s, they are mostly from one store. See the pattern? The pattern is that we like patterns. Men like logic and order. We want to understand things and then line them up and file them away in our small monkey brains so we can then move on to more important stuff like sitting on the couch playing Mario Bros. Both my jeans are from Swedish brand Nudie and they are the same cut, I am probably up to my 4th pair. What do I do when one pair is done? Go to the internet and order more, total shopping time, about 4.5 minutes. Just why do I always wear checked shirts? Cause a few years ago I worked out it was a half way decent look and lacking any better ideas in the intervening years, it’s now my thing. For summer I’ve been wearing basic tees from H&M. Simple, a good fit and at 5€ each, if one looks shitty after a few months I can donate it to charity and get another! In fact I would be totally happy if every 3 months, 6 new shirts and 3 pair of undies and socks were delivered to my door… no… right into my wardrobe. If occasionally a new pair of jeans and another checked shirt could magically show up as well then I would be done, BAM, zero shopping required but look still kept kinda fresh. In the country of endless startup companies, who’s going to offer this male shopping nirvana?

Steve Jobs had bazillions of dollars and still wanted to wear the same thing. He was a hero to every man.

We secretly love it when you wear our stuff. Nothing is sexier than seeing our shirt over your curves. Just please return the shirt or at the very least, ransom it in exchange for more sex.

Ladies, what’s worse than getting a guy home, having him almost fall over and hit his head as he tries to take off his shirt and pants only to discover a set of grungy old boxers which look big enough to hoist as a tent and house a small family of Vietnamese people. Underwear is all tight and snug around your private parts and when we find a brand we like, we definitely want to stick to it. For me, its Björn Borg, I think I am a bit Swedish biased after living there for two years, I drive a Volvo, have an apartment full of IKEA and I love nothing more than knowing that an aging Swedish tennis star has my junk under control. At 25 euros a pair, the “Borg” are ready to “assimilate” your bank balance pretty quick BUT can you put a price on what rubs up and down against your most prized possession each day? Oh and pardon me, remind me how much bra’s cost again?

Hey gurl, I was doing Ryan Gosling before Ryan Gosling was doing Ryan Gosling. All my junk is secured with some firm fabric. Shall we talk about kittens?

I love checked shirts but I also love my tees. Every guy needs a range of great tees but finding them takes work. I see so many generic tees going around, what exactly is that design on the front of your shirt dude, looks like a drawing from first year art class. I think a shirt should either say something strong, or say nothing at all. Guys should get their favourite band shirts, order them from the artist and support them (cause even though you love them, you probably torrented their album). You should have to be able to explain what is on your shirt, otherwise, why are you wearing it? Head over to Heavy Mental and order an Estonian made designer tee. Or, as I did in my younger days, get some iron on transfer and make your own. Yes it’s bit tacky but it sure was unique and the designs all really meant something to me. Tees are a fabulous way to express yourself,I guess you just have to be wary of who “you” are. While in Jõgeva the other day (just hanging out), I saw a guy with a shirt which in massive letters read “EAT SHIT AND DIE”. A statement it certainly was. Who says the countryside people don’t have class?

The shirt was kind of like this, except the writing was WAY WAY bigger. And we were in Jõgeva.

How men dress bad

There are some people leading the charge in Estonia. We all know why bowties are in style and more recently our youthful Prime Minister has shown us that colorful socks are all the rage when treading the corridors of the Riigikogu. I feel like fashionable items with guys are sort of like giving a bottle of vodka to a group of 15 year olds at a party. Sure they really want it, but they dont know how to use it, they end up getting pretty messy in the process and the (fashion) police end up having to make a visit. Case in point. A friend told me about her guy friend who was inspired by Prime Minister Rõivas’ foot fashion sensation. He too would wear colorful socks! The catwalks of Milan would be calling any moment! The next day he dutifully presented himself wearing a fantastic pair of designer socks, which were pulled up high and looked fabulous… except for the sandals he was wearing over them. Did anyone else facepalm just now? I really thought that sock and sandals were like polio, a terrible disease we had cured 20 years ago, but when I asked my female friends “what do you hate about men’s fashion” almost without fail it was the first thing mentioned. I was shocked. Are we in an epidemic? Do we need to request emergency funds from the EU to run an education campaign? They can have the police round them up (it seems to fall under the category of ‘causing a public disturbance’) and I’ll give everyone lessons on how to wear flip flops like an Aussie. I even have a pair of flip flops which have a bottle opener in the bottom and this is without doubt the greatest cultural export Australia has ever made. Classy? Oh yes, maybe I’ll offer a pair to my friend in Jõgeva.

See! The socks match the tie! This is what happens when your partner is a pop star. Alas, if only all men could have such fortunate guidance.