Cosmo February 2014 – Porn

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If you do like porn, thank you from myself and every other guy on the planet. You make the world a good and happy place. It is very liberating when a woman tells you she is into it. It’s like turning 18 and being able to buy booze, I don’t have to hide it anymore! Oh forbidden pleasure! However ladies, if you are not into porn, its really not as dark and twisted as you think (unless you want it to be…), maybe you just haven’t found the style you like yet. Let me be your guide to this amazing art form. Yes it’s an art form. Shhhh come, hold my hand, let me lead you on an fantastic journey.

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…and if yourself is liking dirty movies, keep being yourself. In fact, be more of yourself. I believe in you.

Porn is like a McDonald’s burger, there is a variety out there for everyone’s taste and if you only enjoy your exotic taste ever so often, how bad can that be? Even further, what if, you could share that amazing burger experience with your most beloved? Wouldn’t you want to share that amazing and tasty (admittedly not deeply satisfying) experience with your partner? As guys it would be impolite not to share this with you! You just need to find the kind you like. Is it too much to go for a Big Mac with two layers of meat sandwiching a fresh bit of lettuce? Maybe a straight cheese burger between the sheets of two sesame seed buns is your thing. How about something foreign, spicy and not on offer very often in Estonia like an El Maco? OR maybe you are really into something really outrageous and would like to have a McDonald’s birthday party for all your friends. Go crazy, it’s your meal. In our minds women want to eat at a nice pleasant cafe, cause thats the dignified thing to do. But when we find out that you not only want to eat McDonald’s with us but have been known to sneak down a few burgers yourself on a lonely Tuesday night, it drives us wild and can’t wait to rip through the McDrive of YouPorn.com

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Thank you, come again

Whatever you do, don’t go rummaging through your boyfriend’s porn folder either (oh it’s in C:\stuff how original), you will probably see some weird things which will make you think he wants to dress up like the pizza boy and make all his deliveries via the “back door”. Probably not the most erotic thing for you. Instead, have a few glasses of wine one night at home and do a little searching. Just look around and see what you like because I think while the basic instinct is the same in men and women, what turns us on is different. I think, guys like to watch porn where it’s a guy fucking a girl whereas women like to watch porn where it’s two people having sex. Geddit? There is loads of stuff out there which is super hot, rough, kinky, whatever you want, while still putting an equal emphasis on the woman. Then, once you know a little about what you like, you can share it with your guy. I assure you that on this date night, he will have no problems with you picking the movie.

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So, while you are snuggling up with a glass of white wine and some of YouPorn’s finest, remember that porn represents a fantasy. Just cause you watch it, doesn’t mean you want to do it. Just because your boyfriend has those videos doesn’t mean he’s angling for a threesome with you an a Brazilian midget. I mean, it’s a long flight to Brazil. These people are actors. It’s like going to a romantic comedy and then yelling at the screen because you didn’t meet Colin Firth on sunny afternoon in the park. Romantic comedies are really just porn with more clothes and a slightly more advanced plot line.

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The moves in romantic comedies have about as much chance of working in the real world as the moves from Porn. Difference is that guy understand a porn scene ain’t going to happen in their lifetime

Think of it this way, how complicated do you really think a guy’s thoughts are when he’s looking at porn? Exactly. Thats how you have to view it! Switch off your brain for a while, grab the laptop and enjoy the show.

Foster’s Beer “No Worries” Ambassador in Finland

That’s kind of a long title right? Foster’s Beer in Finland is looking to expand and they chose me to be their spokesperson or as they call it the Foster’s “No Worries” Ambassador. Clearly being the symbol of Foster’s Beer is a life achievement and I must clearly now be ranked with the likes of Paul Hogan and Steve Irwin for my contributions to educating the world about my fine culture. No word yet on if they are giving me a lifetime’s supply of Foster’s but obviously I’m angling for it.

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I did some Facebook and YouTube videos for the campaign around Helsinki this week and it was a load of fun to unleash my inner blue singlet wearing ocka Aussie. The videos are released in August and after that I get some control over the Foster’s Finland Facebook account and get to answer Finnish people’s questions about Australia, can’t wait!

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ps. Mikkel… who? This is Finland baby.