Cosmo January 2014 – Which Of My Friends Would You Sleep With?


“Which of my friends would you sleep with?” Has there ever been a question which can end a relationship quicker? Why do you want to know the answer to this question? Is it a test? Because its a horrible, insidious, Dr Evil test. Trying to fool our poor simple monkey brains. Shame on you.

I was reading the “Love Guru” in last months Cosmo about a young lady who asked this question of her boyfriend. He wouldn’t say but she wouldn’t give up. She nagged and poked and hassled this poor bastard until he eventually spat out an answer and now she was gripped with jealously. The Love Guru replied with what I dare say is the answer you would give, that its her fault. Ask a stupid question and you will get a bad, horrifying answer honey.


To guys this question sets off a big flashy red light alerting us to the impending danger ahead. To use a Star Wars comparison, once our relation”ship” comes out of the initial emotional hyper-drive, we are presented with a question the size of the Death Star and if we get the answer wrong it will shoot laser beams of irrational jealousy at us. It’s a trap, but this poor bastard was worn down and gave in, saying what a guy should never say in this situation. The truth.


Or did he? The real truth is much more simple. He can’t give an answer because he would sleep with all of them. HE’S A GUY. You are hot and you have hot friends but it doesn’t mean he’s going do it. Or even will try and do it. But 40 million years of evolution is hard to push out of our brains. We are wired to respond to this stuff, cause deep down we have all had a quick thought about you and your friends having a pillow fight in your underwear on our bed. Any guy who denies this is either a liar or someone who does not tell the truth. Every time I have this fantasy I have mixed reactions. In one way, it keeps me warm at night, in another way when the pillow bursts open upon being hit against the forbidden booty I start to think “Oh, that was my favorite Italian duck feather pillow, do you know how much that cost?” While the penis may drive the man first, the wallet is not far behind.


This is pretty much how a 4 some starts right? anyone?

However, the question isn’t really about your friends is it? It’s an attempt to get attention and affection from your guy when you’re starting to think he is considering a move to Korea because there he can legally marry his X-Box. You don’t really want to know about your friends, you want him to say something nice to you because your having a bad day. You are out there doing some deep sea big game fishing for a big Great White Shark of a compliment. However you don’t want to be so obvious as to ASK for a compliment, cause that’s not really satisfying is it? So it has to be hidden, slightly obscured. You have left some cheese out for us, but unfortunately, its also sitting inside a mouse trap.


I get what you are trying to do and it’s ok! Really, we want to be good boyfriends, we want to make you feel as loved as our Xbox (you want to be MORE loved? Lets not stretch things here..). You can’t wrap these things up in such a nuclear explosive delivery device because we are well trained in these cold war tactics. We are going to act defensive, cagey and side step the issue making you feel skeptical and from there it’s just a countdown until you both appear on the Jerry Springer show.


So let’s start a campaign, “ban the question”. Instead just try to let us in a bit more on how you are feeling and with luck, he will notice. However if you ARE genuinely interested and cool with what your guy thinks of your friends… may god have mercy on that lucky bastards soul.

Categorized as cosmo

By Louis Zezeran

Louis Zezeran is an Australian Stand Up comedian and comedy promoter based in Tallinn, Estonia. He was the co-founder of Comedy Estonia, Comedy Finland and Comedy Latvia. Louis writes, does gigs and performs at private events through the Baltics and Finland

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