Cosmo August 2013 – Dealing With Your Boyfriend’s Ex

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I have a fool proof plan for dealing with your ex and it is genius. You are going to say “Louis you are a genius”. Ok here goes. Move to another country. Genius! Thank you, I know I am. With no hard reminders of place, events and friends you had together my plan is flawless. What’s that? You are part of the 2% of young Estonia’s who don’t want to move to another country. Weird but ok. If you think this is all a bit difficult, spare a thought for a situation I was in 4 years ago. I was living in Sweden with my then girlfriend on a “living together visa” (yes they have these in Sweden, god bless their socialist hearts) but after the break up I asked if she could not tell the migration department for a month or two. Being the caring type she agreed however I admit to feeling some shock a week later to receive a call telling me she had a change of heart and had told the feds because she “needed closure”. That is certainly one way to achieve it, if nothing else I was impressed with the efficiency of the Swedish people. In retrospect, it gave me the kick my sorry ass needed and I ended up moving to a country very happy to accept someone not good enough for Sweden. Finland.

9uhktThe Finnish Passport control was more than happy to greet me

Dealing with your new boyfriends ex can be much harder though. Try as you might, you may not be able to use the same deportation strategy on her. The migration department will just drone on about “she is an Estonian citizen we can’t deport her” blah blah “maybe you should get some counseling instead” blah blah “madam please don’t threaten me with that stiletto, the police are on their way” blah blah. It’s always the same story from these government types.

How do you deal with your boyfriends ex? You mean the “crazy ass skank ho woman”? Because that’s what she is right? Cause you are not crazy. She is. And now he’s with you. The not crazy one. Case solved. However they are still in contact and you are trying to be cool but it’s hard. They still work / study / do yoga together and it is all very innocent. However it’s hard to keep your cool when she’s calling at 11:30 at night to discuss yoga, you feel like giving her a kick right in the “lotus position”.

couple-yoga-horizConfucius say: Wise is the man who stays at the back of the yoga class

However you know, last time I checked, phone calls generally rely on the someone to answer the phone. She wouldn’t make contact if he had sat her down and told her straight. There is always another yoga class she can go to (seriously, your guy does yoga?). If he keeps on letting her call, then he is disrespecting you, no matter how needy this girl might seem. I am surprised how few guys understand this, I’m pretty sure Dr Phil covered it all in season 1 alone (note: please don’t watch Dr Phil season 1, you will find out where I get all my advice)

So I am saying, it is his fault. Hooray ladies! This one’s not down to you!

I know you don’t want to be pushy though, it can be thin line between reasonably pointing out the truth and looking like a contestant on Jerry Springer. Ok here is my plan: try making him jealous. Not a lot. Just a little. Don’t do anything bad, but just… talk about your guy friends a bit more. Seriously, we are that shallow. God, I cry a little every time I think how I sell out my gender in this column but it is true, we are nothing but little manboys waiting for you to manipulate us.

leg_0God, if I had a dollar for every prosthetic leg a ex has stolen from me

However, eventually it is going to be you or her and if he can’t make a decision, then the time will come to show him the door. As Estonian women, I assume you are used to having to show the balls in a relationship. It is a curse I know.

Oh but if he’s a foreigner, don’t tell the migration department just yet ok? At least wait the 2 months.