Ma Elan Eestimaal (thankfully)

After 24 days we made it back to Tallinn and I am happy to be home. Not that I had a bad time, if you don’t count the sunstroke, bogans, bad accommodation, thieves and expensive missed connections it was great. Actually it wasn’t so bad, things I liked about Greece

  • Food with flavour, remember that?
  • Friendly people
  • Getting enough tan to peel for the first time in 6 years
  • People just don’t seem to give a shit, in a good way

my audition photo for a spot on Estonia’s upcoming reality show “Pärnu Shore

Things I prefer about being at home

  • I can flush toilet paper and not forget and then have to fish it out of the toilet bowl
  • Being in a country where the last great achievement it had was less than 2000 years ago
  • Shit works

I can’t decide: do you want to live in  country where the people are happy and friendly but the country is fucked and nothing gets done or do you want to live in a country where the people are less talkative, bordering on depressed in the middle of winter however they know how to work and shit gets done?

The Greek proposal for high speed internet

My parting thought from Greece is that they have a good place, a rich culture and a good way of life but THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE SHOULD BE IN A MONETARY UNION WITH THEM. I think the Euro should be for central and northern Europe, cause Mediterranean people are just too bat shit crazy. God bless ’em but they are crazy. Slovenia is ok and could we somehow have just the north of Italy? I’m drawing this line across the continent because your average Swede/German/Pole/Estonian will never really known what it is like to have your head baked by hot sun 300 days a year. Its the sun which drives them mad, your brain gets cooked like an egg. Let the Greeks/Italians/Spanish have their own crazy currency. Call it the “crazo” where instead of gold reserves they have reserves of mummas cooking to under write treasury bonds.

What is inside the average Greek persons head, god bless ’em

I’m happy to be home, Ive added some pictures of the trip to a facebook album, click below

Laptop Status: Stolen

Just as I was getting into this place and just as we were about to leave. I spent the day sunning myself on the beach, listening to loads of comedy and writing and I get back to our room to discover someone had been in the room, gone through our shit and taken both our laptops.

I didnt believe it at first because my passport, iPod and kindle were all still there. I guess they looked through my kindle and saw “business marketing for dummies” and thought “screw this nerd” so it took us a few minutes to register our stuff had been taken and it wasnt just the cleaning lady going a bit wild.

The door was unlocked and can only be opened with a key so they perp had their own key. Also last night Kadri heard knocking at the door so clearly these guys have keys are were casing the scene waiting for us to leave. We went down to the cops and the guy was good, we went down to the place with him and he talked to the old lady and she was hysterical, refusing to believe something had been stolen from her place. I had given it 50/50 chance she was involved, either that or she was just a crazy old greek lady. The policeman believes she is just a crazy old greek lady.

So we filled out the police report but lacking travel insurance there’s nothing we can do. At first it seems weird why they didn’t pinch our passports and ferry tickets… but then we will be leaving tomorrow never to come back here. I really liked that laptop too.

Tomorrow we are leaving on the highspeed ferry and we wait at Athens airport till 4:30am for our flight to Prague, where we wait another 5 hours for our flight back to Tallinn. I’m content with the trip. I wrote and found some peace and got my tan on. I just wish I didn’t have to lose my laptop in the process.

Ios: Beautiful One Day, Bogan The Next

But Louis, you are such a hater, you are on a beautiful island, enjoy it. Neurosis mate, thats how it works.

My time on Ios has been better, I have come to terms with my countrymen captors and we have a deal, if I stay away from “Disco 69” then we can live in peace. Until today when I was drawn like a deer in headlights to the wet t shirt competition. They have a dude there and his job is to hose the girls. Thats his job. He has been doing it for the last 6 years and Im pretty sure if hes not around then no girls shirts are getting wet. I wonder if this is a marketable skill he can use back in Australia, “oh shit, we organised this wet t shirt competition but we never once stopped to think how the water gets from the tap and onto these skanky 18 year olds…. wait… I know a guy we can call” To clear things up however, I hold no moral grudge with a wet t shirt competition and it gets more fun when you start putting bets on the outcome.

One of the many clubs in Ios. “White sensation party”? I thought that was an early working title for “One Nation” (or True Finns / Sweden Democrats, pick your country). When will Estonian organise and concentrate its racism into one political party so I can pick on it to? Anyway, it is true that it is sensational to be white (to paraphrase Louis CK)

The island aint bad and my tan is coming back. I wish I had more to report but Im having a major lack of motivation. In Greece you say? I know, I am always a cultural outsider.

lots of very pretty alley ways in Ios. DONT WORRY! Another bar is just around the corner

 

In left to ponder car bumper stickers instead. Now I am no legal eagle but Im pretty sure that street racing IS a crime, even here on Ios where every conceivable form of debauchery seems only a few steps away. See, the politicians took the time to make laws about speed limits and even made a whole system for licensing drivers to ensure they had some form of basic proficiency behind the wheel but they specifically left a clause so that you and your dumb ass racer boy wanna be buddies who have no more driving experience than completing a new laps of the Nurburgring on playstation, can hoon your 1980 Honda Civics with the hole in the exhaust around town, ideally if possible in build up areas so you have a good chance of hitting a kid or worse, anyone else.

Thats an awful lot of italics, I may have just written more of this blog in italics than in regular font. Did I mention it is very exciting here?

The Island Of Ios: My Heaven, My Hell

Kadri and I are on the Greek Island of Ios and the scenery here is beyond description. It is so far beyond description I will now attempt to describe it. Amazing clear water, mountains, other islands off in the distance, white sand beaches, those boxy white greek houses you have seen on a million pictures of Greece, friendly Greek people, good Greek food. We have a pool we can sit by or take the walk own to the beach, there’s wifi and we have a FANTASTIC air conditioner in our room. In this way, Ios is heaven.

remember what a mountain is?

Then there is the white elephant in the room, or rather the tanned meathead beside the pool. This island is FULL of Australians. Not just any typical Aussie either but 18 to 25 year old Contiki style kids who are here to do nothing but sit on the beach, drink themselves stupid each night and make out with someone who at best comes from the suburb across from you and at worst is your cousin.

This is why Ios is my own private hell. These bogan sproglets have a each have an IQ equal to the tasty bacon and eggs I had for breakfast beside the pool. They are loud, obnoxious and have absolutly nothing interesting to say. Doesn’t it set off alarm bells when you travel to the other side of the world and you only meet your countrymen? If any of them have spent time living here it is London, because the adventure begins when you enter the “walkabout” each friday night doesn’t it?

lets see another photo of nice scenery, have a cup of tea and calm down a bit shall we?

Of my quick first and second hand talks with these people (the limited time I can stand to keep up such conversation), I have noticed it is generally the guys who have done some backpacking and one guy was planning on visitng Estonia in a few weeks “that place is run by the Mafia”. Yes, yes it is and I’m going to call ahead so they expect you. Our cheif Mafia boss is a funny looking guy in a bowtie but dont let his peaceful exterior fool you ok?

Right now I sit by the pool and it is surrounded by Aussie girls tanning themselves, or as I call it “the circle of stupid”. Wow, you came all the way here to find sunshine! Thats very rare in Australia, you are really travelling now, something to tell the kids about!

This place is nothing more than a glorified day care center for overgrown bogan sproglets who have lived with their parents too long and have managed to save enough cash to do their “big trip”. This is like schoolies week on the Gold Coast except they are all a year or two older, however they all seem twice as dumb.

The best part of all of this is that today is “Australia Day” here, see proper Australia Day is January 26th however thats not in season, so they have arbitarily selected today to make such a celebration with festivities starting at noon. I can’t wait to get involved, I’ll go talk with Mike and Johnno and Damo and we will talk about how grouse Greece is and how the prices are a bit better than London and how we are spewing that the blues lost the State of Origin. Fully sick! This will really be the best Australia Day ever!

Doing It Greek Style

Ive been here a day and I like it already. It is familiar, interesting, the people are all different, crazy but somehow all Greek too. Also comfortable. The extent to which the Greeks have influenced Australia has started to dawn on me. As I digested as much comedy as I could as a kid, I was taken in my wog humor: Acropolis Now, Wogs Outta Work, The D-Generation (which while not all Greek, their sketches are probably taught me the most about Greeks in Australia. You can take the boy out of Brunswick but you can’t take Brunswick out of the boy, but I digress).

 

my upbringing was champagne sketch comedy

 

Riga was a dump as usual, they seemed to like Kadri’s bag so much it got an extra night in Riga and we will be reunited with it today hopefully.

We went downtown to get some food and the waiter was a Greek Australian (hereby referred to as “wog”, look it up, its not racist for a black person, stop stealing our innocence England). He has lived here for 13 years and was as mad as a cut snake, it was fabulous, here is a highlight of his views on the world

  • I didn’t look like a skip Aussie and clearly I am some kind of wog (astute observation)
  • Young Greek people speak more than 1 language and this is the only country in Europe where that happens.
  • How will Greece solve its debt crisis? According to John, the US will default on its own debts on August 2nd (write it down people) and will take the step of wiping out THE WORLD‘s debt. Yup, no one owes anyone anything then and Greece will be clean again. Apparently the Americans can do this. Maybe because they have the guns. I’m not sure but maybe im looking too deeply into this.
  • IN FACT, did you know Germany still owes Greece 3 times the debt in war reparations? Neither did I but that given that, Greece will be rich again. No work required, see the Greeks have had it right all along.

 

 

Athens is the only city Ive been to where the major old thing is right in the center. Usually its off in the bumfuck and you need to make a day trip there. Not here, the Acropolis is shining down from the street right out front of the hostel and we will go check it out now. I never thought Id be seeing the Acropolis.

 

the only acrolpolis I thought I’d ever see

 

Later today we are off to the island of Ios, 3 hours via ferry or 8 hours via swimming / slow ferry. Not sure how thats all going to work out.